Simple Hacks To Fix Your Relationship

When you first met your girlfriend or wife, you probably felt you could fly. You were in seventh heaven. Those first feelings were strong, exciting, and passionate. You wanted to be together all the time; holding hands, kissing, cuddling, making love. But sooner or later, every couple experiences tough times in their relationship. You may have some communication problems or issues in the bedroom; it doesn’t matter. You should always keep in mind that any obstacles can be overcome.

 
Every relationship demands work, hard work, but they should be filled with fun and love as well. If you know how to have fun together and how to love, you’ll get through any tough periods. These simple hacks will help you restore that spark that seems to be lost now.
1. Refocus
You may be focused on your partner’s bugs that irritate and annoy you. Instead of complaining about these defects, focus on the good features of your woman. Don’t try to change her, it never works. Try to figure out what you can do differently to change your relationship for the better. Stay away from criticism, blame, and disagreement. Imagine what kind of relationship you want to have, set future goals, and start gaining them.
2. Talk more and ask questions
You can be 100% sure you know everything about your woman. You’re wrong. All of us change over time. Your half is no exception. Think how much you both have changed since the first time you went on the first date. Pretty much, yeah? The only way to get to know your partner better is to talk more and ask questions. You shouldn’t be afraid of the questions you’ve never asked but wanted to. You can start discussing topics that seem unimportant now; you may find them pretty interesting. You can buy relationship books, read them together and discuss. There are a lot of options. Just start talking more.
3. Have fun
You may have been together forever, but your life shouldn’t be boring. The everyday routine needs to be destroyed. Have more fun together; do something new, something that differs from your common rituals. You can explore new places, attend cooking/dance classes, or even try skydiving.
4. Surprise her
Women love flowers and sweets. Who said you can’t surprise her with a bouquet of flowers with no reason. Even small gifts make girls happy. Buy her different presents from time to time. If you can afford something more expensive like a diamond necklace or a romantic trip to Seychelles, she will be excited and remember your generous gift for a long time.
5. Start sexting again
When you and your half started your relationship, we’re sure, you were sexting all the time. You had passionate sex and wanted to do naughty things to each other every night. So, why don’t you start sexting again? This kind of messages may boost your desire and bring a new zest to your intimate life. You may be surprised to see how horny your woman turns after a couple of sexts.
6. Go “off the grid”
Today you probably can’t even imagine how life without your phone looks like. We spend so much time surfing the web and checking our Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts. We’re touching our phones more often than we’re touching our partners. Go “off the grid” at least for a day. Go away together, or stay at home doing various stuff like cooking, watching movies, or just having sex all day long. You’ll see how fantastic life can be without social media.
7. Express gratitude
Don’t take for granted those small everyday things she does like cooking meals, laundering, or cleaning the apartment. You may not even pay attention to this “unimportant” stuff. Start expressing gratitude. The two words “Thank You” influence your relationship as much as those three strong words “I Love You.” In a while, you’ll see how this simple and common phrase can take your life together to the next level.

 

Relationship Compromises You Should Never Make

 When you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s inevitable that you’re going to have to make some compromises to make the relationship work. There are the little things like which peanut butter to buy or where to go on your vacation. And then there are the bigger compromises which shouldn’t be taken lightly. In fact, there are certain compromises you may face that’ll have you questioning the relationship and whether it’s really worth it.

Besides your health and safety, which should never be compromised, here are eight other subtle yet significant compromises you should never make in a relationship.
1. Your dreams and goals for theirs.
While dating, especially when you’re young, you need to go after your goals with vigor and fire. “If your goal is to become an engineer and you got a great job opportunity in a city away from your partner, you should absolutely take it. If that partner is mature and respectful, he/she will honor your goals and support you in pursuing them,” explains Alli Owen, a life coach specializing in relationships.  If you give up your dreams for someone else, you may come to resent them later on.
2. Your values.
Your values are part of who you are at your very soul. If you’re not a big drinker but your partner is a destructive drinker and it’s affecting your relationship in negative ways, it’s okay to give them an ultimatum. Owen says your partner should respect your desires and want to be a better person not only for you but with you. “If you always envisioned marrying a person of a particular faith or religion, wait to settle down until you find that person.”
3. Your vision for your life.
You’ve always wanted at least two kids and a life in the suburbs, but your partner doesn’t want kids and prefers to live in the city… And the more you talk about it, the more it seems like the life you want is suffocating to your partner. You can’t compromise things like this without someone being miserable in the end. The best thing to do is stop prolonging the inevitable and end the relationship. There is no use wasting anyone’s time if your life vision doesn’t align with theirs.
4. Your family and friends.
Be wary of any partner who tries to keep you from seeing your family and friends. It’s normal to see less of them because now you’re spending more time with your partner, and while some possessiveness may make you feel wanted and special in the beginning, it can also be a red flag of things to come later in the relationship. As Kristen Fuller, M.D. writes, healthy friendships can help you cultivate healthier relationships and be healthier overall. “Studies have shown that older people with friends are more likely to live a healthier happier life than those who do not have many close friends.”
5. Your self-worth.
We should all expect to be treated with love and respect by our significant others. Our partners should stand by our side through good times and bad and shouldn’t make us feel bad about ourselves. It’s natural to have disagreements and to challenge one another, but don’t allow verbally abusive communication into your relationship. Non-healthy communication can be damaging to your self-esteem.
6. Your principles when it comes to flirting.
You may not even realize you’re doing this but, quite often, men and women concede to their partners’ desire about texting or flirting with others. If your partner’s flirting makes you uncomfortable, it’s worth wondering why it’s so important to them. The conversation is generally followed by thoughts like, They’re still coming home to me or He/she is just being friendly. Flirting is a sign your partner needs someone else to fulfill part their needs, which could even just be their ego. If it’s not something you’re comfortable with, then don’t put up with it.
7. The type of relationship you want.
It should never be okay for your partner to pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do, says Rori Sassoon, a professional matchmaker and CEO of Platinum Poire. “For example: Having an open relationship, a threesome, or anything else that makes you uncomfortable in your relationship. Or inviting another person into your relationship is a big decision that can create jealousy when you want to be strengthening your intimate bond.”
8. Your finances.
These days, having your finances in check is important if you plan on buying a house, taking out loans, or dream of retiring early. Your partner’s bad credit or spending habits can eventually impact you. “If they are taking from you financially and not contributing to expenses, there is nothing to compromise here. They must stop,” says Sassoon. If it feels like you’re constantly footing the bill and they’re mooching off of you, it’s best to keep your accounts and finances separate and plan very inexpensive dates until they get their finances together.
When you care deeply about someone or when you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into a relationship, it can feel natural to compromise on even these big things. But if you find that all your compromises are creating a life and a relationship that doesn’t make you happy or move your life in the direction you want, it’s time to consider whether the relationship is really what you want.

What Women Want in a Man

According to a study by Stanford University School of Medicine, a sense of humor is what women want in a man. During the study, researchers found that the reward-related areas of women’s brains showed greater activity than men’s in response to humor. So what does this mean? That women understand and appreciate humor. A lot.

So what does this mean for you?  Well, if you’re looking to attract woman, you might want to start by making them laugh.
First, let’s take a look at your profile. Are you smiling in your profile pic, or are you sporting your serious, “Blue Steel” look? If it’s the latter, then you might want to switch it for a more light-hearted shot of you. Don’t force the smile; instead, show off the fun side that your family and friends usually see. You’ll look better showing off an authentic expression than striking a pose from your best side.
Now, let’s consider your content. Sure, adding that you’re addicted to watching “Game of Thrones,” could be an acceptable conversation-starter, but almost everyone watches “Game of Thrones.” Have fun with your profile. Don’t be afraid to make fun of yourself or add some sarcasm. If your profile makes her laugh, she’ll be more likely to meet you.
On the date, don’t assume you have to be a constant comedian, but doing your best to keep the mood light will help you both relax. If the waitress got your order wrong, make light of it. Share a funny story from your childhood. Don’t be afraid to tease your date. Having fun will make the date more memorable, and will place you in the “suitable partner” category faster than you think.

 

Dating tips for single parents

From being open about your situation to freeing yourself of any guilt you’ve attached to dating, Amy Nickell shares some tips for dating as a single parent.

Dating is a minefield whatever your situation. When you’re a parent, things can feel even tougher. When I first started dating again after my son (who is now three) was born, my confidence and self-belief couldn’t have been lower. It took me a long time to get over the stigma of being a single parent – especially when it came to dating. I now realise that my family is something to celebrate, rather than hide, and that the right person will recognise this also. But it’s taken me a while and a lot of bad dates to get here. These are some tips I picked up along the way.
Be open about the fact you are a parent
When I first returned to dating, I didn’t  mention my son on my online dating profiles, or when I met men in real life. Because of the stigma surrounding single parents and myths I was believing at the time, my subconscious told me I would have more luck keeping my profile baby-free. I soon realised what a mistake that was. On my first date after being pregnant, dumped and giving birth – when my self-esteem had hit rock bottom  – I sat opposite a man who visibly quivered when I revealed I was a mum and compared my child to his ongoing battle with Crohn’s disease.
Just like anything on your profile – whether it be recent pictures, your height or your profession – honesty cuts out the potential for misunderstandings or, well, meeting narrow-minded fools. Remember, anyone with a problem isn’t worth your time; being a parent is actually a very effective asshole filter. The problem is theirs, don’t waste time feeling like it’s yours. Which leads on to…
Never excuse, apologise or defend yourself
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing you have to explain how you came to be a single parent. In the early stages of dating, that’s really none of anyone’s business. Be proud of your family and proud of your life. Know anyone you meet will be lucky to get such a fabulous two, three or however-many-it-might-be-for-one deal.  You know your child is the best person ever so why assume another person will feel any different? I was brought up to believe people, particularly men, are terrified of having children on their hands. Maybe some are, but those people aren’t worth your time when you’re a parent.
Replace the word ‘baggage’ with ‘bonus’
In our household ‘baggage’ is considered a swear word. ‘Baggage’ implies a disadvantage; something bulky and extra, weighing you down. Your offspring is anything but baggage. However, growing up in a society that sees single motherhood as a one way ticket to loneliness, poverty and the benefits system, I see where the ‘b’ word has come from.
I’m happy to confirm that my son has positively transformed my life in so many ways, he’s the most wonderful and perfectly-timed gift I could have wished for. Plus, having a child helps you put things in perspective;  I’m ten times more confident and capable now. So the word ‘baggage’ needs to be replaced with ‘bonus’, because that’s a more accurate description.
Feel positive about wanting to date
Never think that you are doing anything wrong by wanting some time for yourself. I’ll never forget the first time I came down the stairs all dressed up to see my baby with his bottle, ready to be put to bed by someone else. I did feel a pang of guilt. But now I know how important my personal time is to keep me sane. A good mum is a happy mum – never feel guilty about wanting time to be you. You’re a mum, yes, but you’re also a woman who wants to flirt and enjoy a nice glass of wine in some adult company.
Don’t rush introducing your new partner to your child
I think it’s important to make clear to the person you are dating that you aren’t looking for any help with parenting. That’s your territory, especially in the early days. I had a boyfriend once who wanted to get way too involved too quickly, and my child just doesn’t need the potential disruption that would cause.
For this reason, I wouldn’t introduce the person I am dating to my son as my ‘boyfriend’. That said, it’s easier said than done to keep them totally apart, and often just not practical. My personal solution here is to ask my boyfriends to work by the rules of a public swimming pool: if you wouldn’t get away with it there, don’t do it in front of my son. For me, this means no sleepovers. But it also means more special time as a couple when you do manage to escape for those precious nights away (once you’ve found a very trusted babysitter, of course).
Focus on the present
Perhaps it’s only natural for the person you are dating to think about the future with you, given your life situation as a parent. But regular singletons don’t instantly picture a future where they’ve settled down and had four kids, so neither should your date. Someone recently broke up with me because they just “couldn’t get their head around being a dad”. Er, no one asked him too. He just went all Mystic Meg and couldn’t handle it. If you find yourself in a similar situation, use it to your advantage, and remember: having a child helps you sort people into a ‘worth it’ and ‘not worth it’ pile early on.
Finally, a family isn’t incomplete just because it doesn’t fit in with traditional roles. Just because you fancy a date doesn’t mean you are looking for someone to fill a void. Also, for anyone dating a single parent, we aren’t necessarily looking for an immediate co-parent, we are looking for a date – those are two very different things. Believe it or not, it is possible to be content in a family of two. When it comes to family, it’s quality over quantity.
Happy dating!

 

Your Cell Phone Addiction Could Be Killing Your Relationship

New research confirms that your partner hates it when you can’t put your damn phone away. Here’s how to break the habit

Your relationship with your phone could have serious consequences for your actual relationship, a new University of Arizona study suggests.
The researchers surveyed people about their significant others’ smartphone habits. No surprise here: People whose partners were habitually glued to their iPhones were less happy with their relationships, the researchers found.
It’s easy to get hooked on your smartphone. Checking your notifications eases loneliness, boredom, and fear of missing out, says study author Matthew Lapierre, Ph.D.
But using your smartphone all the time may isolate you from your partner and make her feel like she has to compete for your attention, the researchers say.
How do you know if your iPhone habit is actually an addiction?
A telltale sign, Lapierre says, is that you keep scrolling even when you know you should put your phone down. Like when you’re driving, having dinner with your family, or having sex—a recent Harris Interactive survey finds that one in 10 people are guilty of that last one.
Another bad omen: You feel irritable or panicky when your phone dies or isn’t with you, says Edward Hallowell, M.D., a Boston-based psychiatrist and author of Delivered From Distraction.
If that sounds familiar, wean yourself off your phone by designating some data-free time each day, says Dr. Hallowell.
That could mean you turn it off between 9 a.m. and noon at work or during a given activity, like a date or a workout. And of course, every time you get behind the wheel.
Leave it out of sight—in your gym bag, your desk drawer, or your glove box—during these periods. The extra step of getting your phone out and turning it on can help you stop and reconsider whether you really need to use it, he says.
If you can get used to spending an hour at the gym without checking your notifications, you may be able to get through dinner or sex without reaching for your phone. And your partner will definitely appreciate that.

 

Four Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster

Let’s be honest: For many people, the idea of dating produces an inability to breathe, sweaty palms, and a stomach full of butterflies. Not the pleasant kind you experienced with your first kiss; this is more like when you were a kid and you rode that towering, terrifying roller-coaster for the first time.

That’s an appropriate metaphor, since many singles describe the ups and downs, twists and turns of new romance. “Dating is an emotional roller-coaster,” you might hear someone say. “One second it’s thrilling and exhilarating; the next second your stomach is turning and panic sets in. One second you want to scream for the ride to stop; the next second you hope it’ll go on forever.”
Sound familiar? Dating, like thrill rides, requires you to hold on tight, pray hard, and hope for the best. Add in the common fear of romantic intimacy, and of dealing with past relationship “issues”—yours and your date’s—and it’s easy to conclude you’re better off skipping the ride altogether. Playing it safe has this much going for it: you’ll avoid danger and reduce risks. You’ll also be bored, second-guess your decision, and kick yourself for chickening out–which may be why you are reading this now.
But if you hoped this column would contain a magic formula for making your fears disappear—sorry. The truth is, you will probably always get the dating jitters. Why? Because it is indeed nerve-wracking. Unless you are a gifted extrovert or a charismatic charmer, putting yourself on the romantic market is always going to be outside your comfort zone. What you need is a way to avoid letting your fear stand between you and lasting love when it comes around. You need a few “Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster” to help conquer your fears:
1. Get in line. You want the thrill of finding someone new, but you’ve scared yourself silly remembering past experiences, or watching others ride (and scream) from a distance. So you’re still outside the fence looking in. Put one foot in front of the other and take a step toward your goal. Sign up for dance lessons, join the singles group at church, or throw a dinner party and invite some new faces. You’re not riding/dating yet—just positioning yourself to do so.
2. Wait your turn. The dictionary defines fear as “an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.” The fact is, danger is rarely actually “present.” And fear is often at its worst when nothing much is happening—because you have a lot of time to anticipate all the hypothetically dangerous “what ifs.” Now that you’re in line, be patient—be brave.
3. Fasten your seat belt. Courage is not the same thing as recklessness. When your turn to ride arrives, hold nothing back—but protect yourself with common-sense measures to keep your worst fears from materializing. Being “up for an adventure” doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind. You’ll enjoy the ride more knowing that, despite the risks, there are safety protocols in place.
4. Do it! Keep your eyes open. Throw up your hands—and ride for all you’re worth. Riding a roller coaster is a hog-wild, topsy-turvy, gravity-defying, spine-tingling thing to do. If it didn’t make your adrenaline soar and your stomach do cartwheels, it wouldn’t be any fun.

 

5 Surprising Ways Dating Makes You Better at Life

Whether you like dating or not, it’s unavoidable if you want to find someone to be with. But, what if you didn’t look at dating as simply a way to find someone else? What if dating was also a way to find yourself? Let’s take a closer look at dating’s personal side—the side with important life lessons, and moments of self-discovery and personal growth.

Here are five personal benefits of dating, and how dating can help you grow in other areas of your life:
1. Dating Makes You a Better Conversationalist
Like interviewing, dating requires the ability to talk about yourself, ask and answer questions, listen intently, and hold a meaningful conversation with another person. The more you date or the longer you date one person, the better you’ll get at talking about yourself, and sharing your feelings, expectations, hopes for the future, opinions, and beliefs—and all while becoming a better and more thoughtful listener.
2. Dating Teaches You How to Get What You Want
Whether you go on a date with an attractive history buff or an arrogant techie, every date gives you insight into what you like and don’t like in another person. And often, you only come to learn what you want by figuring out what you don’t want. The more you date, the easier and clearer this becomes. This greater level of self-awareness also leads to greater self-confidence. Knowing what you want and being confident in who you are will not only help you with your dating life, but will help you in all areas of your life.
3. Dating Allows You to Experience New Things
Your dates will almost certainly have different interests and hobbies than you do—and that’s a good thing! This allows you to expand your horizons and be more adventurous. Take a salsa class with her; go on a ropes course with him—there’s always something new and fun to do when you’re dating. It’s also easier to try new things when you have someone by your side because you’re more likely to take chances when you’re with someone you like and trust.
4. Dating Teaches You How to Let Go
Letting go is a hard thing to do. If you learn to master it, it’s a powerful skill that will come in handy in all aspects of your life. You can’t attract something new when your energy is spent thinking about that past. All that “stuff” you’re holding on to can pull you down. Letting go of the past not only helps you live your best life now, but also paves the way for future success.
5. Dating Makes You Stronger and More Resilient
Besides heartbreak, rejection is probably the toughest part about dating. But, the more rejection you face, the more you’ll come to understand that it’s a natural part of life and dating. And, the more you grow to accept rejection, the easier it’ll be to face failure in all other parts of your life. It will make you stronger and better prepared for what life will throw at you in the future.
At the end of the day, your past relationships make you a better version of yourself. The next relationship will do the same. So, don’t be afraid of dating; embrace it.
There is no better time to embrace dating than right now—the weather is warm, there is an abundance of activities to participate in, and people are generally in a good mood. It’s the perfect time to put yourself out there and meet new people.

 

6 Common Dating Behaviors that Annoy Both Men and Women

You probably know which behaviors turn you off the most in another person. What is interesting and important to think about is which behaviors of yours could annoy another person. Everyone gets triggered by different behaviors, and it can take a while to figure out which ones irk that new person.

 
In my clinical work, I hear men and women talking every week about the things so-and-so did on a date that really turned them off or even angered them. Here, I’ll share a list of the most common dating behaviors that bother men and women.
Not letting your date choose what to do or where to go
When you meet someone and have the first few dates, it’s polite and considerate to let that person help you plan the outing. Ask if they have specific activities or restaurants in mind for that particular date as opposed to setting it up without their input. It never hurts to ask directly how your date likes to approach planning. There is nothing wrong with saying this: “Do you prefer the other person to plan the date, or do you prefer to do the planning? Or do you like to make those decisions together?” No matter the specifics, either ask about their approach to planning dates or simply suggest that you plan the date together.
Talking about previous dates or exes
Keep previous romantic experiences off the table for the first few dates, at least. This behavior bothers men and women alike because it makes them wonder why you are preoccupied with thinking about someone else when you’re out with them. Focus on your date and invest your mental energy in trying to get a sense of whether this is a personality type that you easily mesh with. In a word, it’s all about the mesh.
Getting too touchy or sexual too soon
Having spoken to hundreds of couples over the years in my clinical work, I can tell you that the following behavior is one of the biggest turn-ons in dating: a simple kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. If you hit it off and want to be with each other, you can get plenty touchy in time. (Crucial rule to remember: If you are meant to be together, you will end up together.) But forcing an intimate kiss or even trying for a kiss on the lips too soon bothers many men and women because it feels pushy and presumptuous. Many people need a moment to reflect after a date about whether they actually have or could have romantic feelings for that person, so forcing physical intimacy should always be avoided. Again, if you two have what it takes to last, you could be slow dancing in the living room to Endless Love on repeat for years to come. There simply is no rush.
Being late for a date
Avoid this behavior at all costs. If you show up late to a date – and it doesn’t matter how understandable your excuse is – your behavior sends the following message to the person you’re meeting: They aren’t important enough to be on time for. Show your date respect by always allowing extra time to arrive at where you’re going. Conversely, expect a new date to not want to see you again if you do happen to show up late for any reason.
Asking questions that are too personal
The first few dates are a great time to get to know a new person, but having a date with someone doesn’t give you the right to ask questions that are extremely personal. Asking questions about income, past relationships, or deeply emotional topics can be too intrusive and intense when just meeting someone. If you choose to get pushy and ask these questions anyway, your date may be like many others who would feel uncomfortable. While it may sound insignificant, the behavior could bother your date enough that they might not want to see you again.
Trying too hard to impress by name-dropping or boasting
Going out of your way to prove what a great catch you are almost always backfires. It’s important and helpful in dating to have good self-esteem, but it’s another thing to try to prove it. Boasting about accomplishments or how amazing your lifestyle is often turns men and women off because they feel like a salesman is “working” them. What’s more, most men and women have the insight to know that trying so hard to prove how great you have actually indicates that you have low self-esteem.
Two rules you should never forget as you date (and, yes, they are cliches)
In two words, be yourself; in three words, don’t try too hard. Trying too hard takes a lot of energy, and it doesn’t make sense to invest so much energy in someone when you don’t even know if you’ll still like that person a month later. Remember what you like about you, and trust that anyone who gets to know you will inevitably come to see those same characteristics in you.

 

So You’ve Been Cheated On. Here’s How to Repair Your Relationship

Taking these important steps can increase the odds of success 

The moment you find out your partner has been cheating on you, just about everything changes. Trust has been broken, and it may be difficult to imagine a future knowing that your closest companion has been intimate with someone else. So where do you go from here?
Heading to divorce court is certainly one route, but you shouldn't assume it's the only option or the best one for you: Statistics vary, but research shows that a sizable percentage of marriages manage to survive infidelity."Couples can heal from affairs," says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a relationship expert and the founder of the Marriage Restoration Project, a global initiative to keep couples together and happy. He discourages couples from immediately separating or filing for divorce—provided you're both on board. “Either you want the marriage to work or you don’t.”
Here's what you should know if you find yourself in that exact situation.
STEP 1: MAKE SURE THE AFFAIR ENDS IMMEDIATELY
One of the very first things to do is to determine whether your partner is willing to immediately dissolve the outside relationship. “Stopping the affair is non-negotiable,” said Jill Murray, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist based in California. “The person with whom the partner was having the affair with can no longer be in their lives, even in a peripheral way."If that means changing jobs, switching gyms, or even relocating a new city, it has to happen. It's the only way to ensure that your partner is 100 percent committed to moving on, says Murray. After that commitment is made, it’s time to figure out what went wrong and why.
STEP 2: TALK IT OUT
Ideally, decide on a time when you can sit down together and have what's bound to be a difficult conversation. It's often best not to have this conversation the same day you learned about the affair, but rather to postpone it at least a few days, if not longer.
“Set aside time in the future so you will both be mentally ready to share and hear these uncomfortable details,” says Slatkin. “The betrayed should come ready to ask about whatever information they need to have so that all doubts can be removed, and they can start getting over the affair.” Craig Foust, a marriage counselor based in St. Louis, Missouri, says it's also important to get to the root of why the infidelity happened.
“The person cheated on may continually ask questions that seem repetitive, however, the core of the issue to be explored is when/how did the distance in the relationship [between you and your spouse] develop,” says Foust. “When did we start to have problems? What were the signs? Were both of us aware of the distance growing between us? Answering these questions will be critical.”
STEP 3: ENLIST PROFESSIONAL HELP
Infidelity is a pretty serious issue for a couple to contend with on their own. If keeping your marriage intact is a priority, Foust recommends seeking out a marriage counselor who can guide you through the process.
"It's no different than seeing a physical therapist for a leg injury: You may be able to walk on it, but you can cause lasting damage if it is not allowed to heal properly," says Foust. "The same goes with healing after an affair. The average couple may be able to stabilize their marriage, but often there are deep-rooted marital issues that only become noticeable over time or to an outsider looking in."
STEP 4: CARVE OUT QUALITY TIME
After you've had the tough talks and both agreed that you're going to stick this out, it's time to work on rekindling your connection. It won't be easy to do, especially in the beginning, but it's crucial to bouncing back as quickly as possible. “Spending quality time together shows investment in the relationship, from both sides, and helps to re-establish some type of normalcy,” says Foust.While it might be a challenge to find mutually agreeable activities when things are feeling so rocky, Suzanne Coburn, a licensed professional counselor, says you need to at least try to have fun.
“A date night is one idea, but even better is an activity that builds relationships: Go for a hike, go bowling, walk in beautiful gardens, attend a sports event together. What did you enjoy doing together when you were first dating? Do that,” she says.
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO WALK AWAY.
Many people have been successful at mending a relationship after an affair, and hopefully you'll be among them. But sometimes the wounds are just too deep for that to be possible. In other instances, both parties aren't truly committed to making it work, and that's another deal-breaker.
If you're having trouble getting past infidelity, Murray suggests taking a step back to assess whether your spouse is actually empathizing with your feelings or is intent that you should "get over it."
“If the person is backsliding into old, secretive, or lying behavior, or there’s just too much anger and hurt to recover from, it may be time to call it quits,” she says.

 

What Women Say Makes the Perfect Date

Learn the rules and the secret codes to planning the perfect date from an expert: A woman
Observe the 4 p.m. Deadline

As the big date approaches, women worry that they'll be stood up. This is why there's a 4 p.m. deadline. If you call at 4:20 to confirm the 8 p.m. date, I'll have already made other plans, just to protect myself from the letdown. Call between noon and 4, or risk being set adrift like a hard-luck astronaut.
Choose the Location Well
If we live in a city, the first date should be closer to my place than yours—so you can walk me home. You should reach the meeting place on time or a little early. If you're driving to my place, pick me up 5 minutes late. There may be a stray hair that needs taming. And observe proper car etiquette. Always open the door for me, whether or not your car has power locks. Pressing a button does not a gentleman make.
Money Matters
Spending too much on a date makes me think you're trying to buy my affection. Or worse. I'd rather see evidence of your personal interest than your interest-bearing accounts. Special note: If you're spending more than $200 on a woman who isn't sleeping with you, you're a sucker. And she sucks.
Pay Attention
Girls spend a lot of time getting glam. They also spend a lot of time wondering if guys notice. Respond to my efforts.
But Chill with the Compliments
Give me a couple of sincere snaps—but make sure they're thoughtful. If you say you like my smile or my eyes, I've heard it before. Say, "Look at that dimple," or, "Wow, you have great eyelashes." Now you have my attention. Compliment my intelligence, sassiness, or unfaltering talent for ordering the best guac. Now you might get some ass.
Introduce Me
If you stop and talk to absolutely anyone, introduce me within 30 seconds without using the words "my friend." Personal details are required. By date six, I should have met all your important friends.
Don't Go All Donald on Me
Unless a woman is a hopeless climber, you won't impress her with what you own (that is, if you own anything). Instead, let me discover what's valuable about you, not what you've bought.
Notice What I Drink
Ask me if I'd like a refill when I leave an empty glass behind and head for the ladies' room. This makes you attentive and thoughtful. This makes me happy and socially lubricated.
Walk Me to My Door
It's a scary world, and I want you to protect me. If you're welcome inside my apartment, I will invite you. Do not ask to use my bathroom.
Kiss Me
If the date has gone well, lips must come into play. Even if it's just a peck. It gives me more peace of mind than you can imagine. Don't be discouraged if I hesitate to kiss you in return. I might be shy or nervous because I really like you. Or maybe you have bad breath. It doesn't mean I don't, or won't, want you.
Recognize the Kiss-Off
Game over if I don't kiss you on a second date. Take the hint.

 

5 Online Dating Tips on Writing the First Message

Breaking the ice—in any situation—is no easy feat. Whether you’re approaching someone at a bar, a party, or online, putting yourself out there can be an awkward and scary experience, even for people who are naturally outgoing.

Lucky for us, breaking the ice online is a lot easier and a lot less frightening than approaching someone in real life. You don’t have to deal with a crowd of people watching you, you can take a really long time thinking of what to say, and you have the assurance of knowing that the people you’re approaching are also single and open to meeting someone—after all, they’re on a dating site.
Next time you log in and start meeting people, consider these five online dating tips for writing a first message:
Don’t be nervous.
Even if your stomach is tied up into knots and you’re so nervous you can barely type, try to stay calm. Go splash some cold water on your face, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, “What do I have to lose?” Really, it’s not like the person on the other end of the message is going to publicly reject you, and you’ll never have to see this person in real life if nothing comes out of your attempt. The worst that can happen is an “I’m not interested” message, which you can quickly delete. And, if you get no response at all, you can do what we all do and just pretend it never happened. The ability to compartmentalize is a beautiful thing.
Do your homework.
Actually take the time to read someone’s profile before sending that first message. I know a lot of us are quick on the draw when it comes to messaging people who catch our eye, but it helps to actually know something about that person before you message them. And, from the feedback I’ve gotten from real online daters, we know that’s exactly what most online daters want you to do. One online dater Elizabetta wrote, “Before flirting or mailing, please, read my profile. Do not just look at the photo! Think: Do we have anything in common, why would she be interested in me? There is a reason she has written all that.”  Another dater, Damian, said, “The best flirt I ever received was from a lady who wrote something that showed she had at least read my profile. In fact, I thank her to this day for her honesty and friendly reply.” Tailor-made messages, like tailor-made clothes, really do fit better. You’ll see.
Cool your jets.
“Cool it down,” isn’t just a lyric in one of our favorite Velvet Underground songs. It’s also basic advice when it comes to dating.  Online dater, Nathaniel elaborated for us, “Girls get tired of cheesy compliments like, ‘you are so beautiful, you have such beautiful eyes, I think I’m in love, I’ve died and gone to heaven, if I’m sleeping don’t wake me, I must be dreaming, let’s do it, your so hot, etc.’ Don’t use pick up lines ever. They don’t work.” The same goes for guys; everyone will just think you’re creepy if you over-do it with compliments, especially when you barely know them. According to data from the online dating site Zoosk, messages with generic compliments that included words like sexy, cute, beautiful, or gorgeous actually made responses go down. Also, while it’s one thing to be tongue-in-cheek, it’s another thing to be vulgar. The best way to approach a first message is to keep it in ‘friend’ territory. Keep your message light and simple. You have plenty of time to develop things further, so be patient for now.
Avoid TMI
TMI, or ‘too much information’, about yourself is a no-no on a first date, and it’s also a no-no with a first message too. Generally, when people talk too much about themselves it reveals a real problem with listening, which is a turn off. If things work out between you and your prospective match, they’ll find out everything about you in due course. There is no need to tell someone everything about your life right away. Also, keep an eye on the scale of your letter. Don’t write a novel, but don’t send a haiku either. While you should make sure you include enough text to spark someone’s interest, don’t include so much that they fall asleep while scrolling through it. And you should make sure at least some of your sentences end with a question mark. Asking questions in your message, as opposed to talking nonstop about yourself, is also a great way to get a reply.
Spellcheck. Prease. Please.
Never underestimate the power of a typo-proof message. Typos and grammatical mistakes are ugly blips that detract from the sincerity and sweetness of what you’re saying. Can you imagine what Sonnet 18 would be like if instead of “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day,” Shakespeare wrote instead, “Shlal I compaer the 2 a sumur’s dai?” If you feel uncomfortable with the grammatical integrity of a message, why not run a simple grammar and spelling check on it? It’s not that hard, we promise.
Just to give you an idea of what a good first message might look like, below is a sample first message to use as an example.
Hi _____. My name is _____, and I really liked what you said in your profile!
We share a lot of interests, like synchronized swimming and live action role playing games. It also appears that we have really similar music taste. Norwegian death metal is the best! What’s your favorite band? Also, I noticed in your picture that you have a pet turtle. I have a pet turtle too, named Rick! He’s thirty-five years old. Do you have any other pets? I’m a vegetarian and I love animals, and I’m happy to read that you’re a vegetarian too.
Anyway, I hope to hear back from you because you sound really interesting. Have a nice day!
Best,
____.
See how easy that was? Even if you don’t think you’d respond to a message like that, I’m sure the pet-turtle having, Norwegian death metal loving, synchronized swimming LARPer getting that message definitely would.
Next time you’re ready to start messaging someone, remember these tips. Over time, you’ll realize that breaking the ice online isn’t so bad after all. In fact,you might even surprise yourself and start having fun.

 

Is It Love… Or Just Sex? Here’s How to Know

Here’s a common scenario: You meet someone new, and one look is all it takes to light the fuse of sexual fireworks. You can barely keep your hands off each other — and the excitement of it all feels like falling in love. 

But is it really? Can simple lust masquerade as something more? Is it possible to spot the absence of real romance soon enough to avoid making a bad investment?
The answer to these questions is “yes.”
It’s easy to mistake the explosive chemistry of physical attraction with long-term romantic potential. But if you’re willing to honestly assess your actions and feelings, it’s also not hard to recognize the truth. Here are 7 signs you might be confusing love and sex:
Your attraction is more physical than emotional.
What was the first thing about your partner to catch your attention? Was it his or her sense of humor, or an act of kindness you observed? Or was it their fashion-magazine appearance and manner? There’s nothing wrong with looking good, or with appreciating that trait in someone else. But if that’s not accompanied by a deeper reason for attraction, you may be headed for disappointment.
You say ‘yes’ to sex to keep someone around.
When you’ve just started dating someone new, there may come a moment when it’s clear he or she expects sex as the next step — and that their interest may wane if you don’t agree. Saying yes can be an easy way to avoid asking the question: Why do you feel their interest might sag?
You are lovers, but not really friends.
The sex is really good, maybe even great. But what else do you have in common? What would you talk about if one of you were physically incapacitated after an accident? Do you know personal details about them that their most casual friends don’t also know? If you have trouble answering questions like these, chances are sex is standing in for deeper connection.
Your time together is all spent in bed (or getting there).
Do you go out together to public places where the idea is to have fun or get to know each other better? Or do you mostly “hang out” at home where sex is instantly available?
When sex is done, you want to leave.
Lust alone is often all it takes to draw lovers together. But when the sex is done, lust by itself can produce the reverse reaction — like magnets that cling together until you flip them to opposing poles. If either of you can’t stick around to cuddle or spend the rest of the evening together, then the potential for real love is probably small.
The sex may be good, but you still feel unsatisfied.
Researchers have recognized that the biochemistry of sex — through the release of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin — is meant to engender feelings of well-being and bonding with your partner. But that can’t overcome your own intuition about the relationship’s true potential. Beware if you feel empty after sex, rather than fulfilled.
You resist introducing your partner to friends and family.
Is this person someone you can’t wait to show off? Or do you intuitively suspect that the people who know and love you best will see the truth you are trying hard to deny? If you’re tempted to keep the relationship a “secret,” chances are it has little lasting potential.

 

Online Dating First Message Tips: Opening Lines that Work

I’ll just come right out and say it: Most first messages on online dating sites are terrible. They’re lame, impersonal and just make you feel, well, kind of icky. The immediate thought is Oh, he must say this to everyone or Great, she didn’t even read my profile. I don’t know who invented pickup lines and publicized the notion that they’re a catalyst to romance, but I wish we could all recognize there are better places to start that aren’t thinly-veiled catcalls. Nobody likes being fed a line, period.

 
So I came up with some online dating first message tips that can help you get more responses and get that much closer to meeting someone special.
Online dating can make you feel vulnerable. You’re putting yourself out there and inviting people to pass judgment on your hobbies, interests, and looks. So when you get a message that disregards the special things that make you who you are, it makes you feel disrespected.
I get it, though. If you rely on pickup lines, I kind of see where you’re coming from, and there’s a chance that you mean well. It’s easy to succumb to the pressure of pickup lines, because they’re just that—easy. We see the “cool” guys effortlessly use pickup lines in movies, to great success. We read listicles about the funniest and most clever and most sure-fire things to say when you want to ask someone out. But in reality, no matter how winning a line seems or how many times you’ve practiced it, the line usually falls short. The good news is there are better ways to go about it.
I’m suggesting we say “no” to pickup lines and “yes” to opening lines. There—that already sounds a little friendlier. If you want to make the first move or send the first message while online dating, more power to you. But don’t panic and fall back on a cheesy pickup line, or you run the risk of coming off as demeaning and predatory. Instead, let’s explore opening lines that will actually get you somewhere. These work especially well for online dating. These are specific to me, so adjust accordingly.
“Hi, I’m ____.”
It’s mind-blowingly simple advice, but oh-so effective: Just say hi. The most overlooked word in the online dating world is hi. There’s some merit behind Jerry Maguire’s “You had me at hello”—sometimes “hi” is the perfect thing to say. Simple? Yes. Effective? Absolutely. A polite introduction goes a long way and echoes something you would actually say in real life, demonstrating that you have good manners.
“I’ve visited St. Louis before, I almost went to WashU for grad school.”
Don’t you hate it when somebody messages you and asks, “So, where are you from?” or “What do you like to do for fun?” It makes you feel like they skipped the profile and just messaged you as part of their numbers game. I can’t stress this enough—actually read their profile! Commenting on something he or she wrote in their profile shows that you actually took the time to read what they wrote.
However, don’t push your luck and try to be cute. “I’ve visited St. Louis before, I almost went to WashU for grad school. Maybe you can show me the city some day.” This is an opening line turned pickup line. There’s no need to add the second part—it reads as overly cocky and confident, and negates the good of the first part of the sentence.
“What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!”
Another online dating first message tip is to break the ice with a (clean) joke. It can work wonders for clearing up any awkwardness you might feel during the first few messages. It’s not, however, an excuse to infuse the conversation with sexual innuendo. A joke could technically be classified as a pickup line, but I think as long as you tell it with good intentions, you’re in the clear.
“You look great in hats.”
I can’t tell you how thrilled I would be to receive this message from a potential match. It’s more specific than the expected “You have nice eyes” go-to compliment. The person might genuinely have great eyes, but try giving a compliment that’s a little quirkier and tailored to what they show in their photos. It will show that you actually absorbed information and remembered the details of what they presented to you in their profile. It also serves as a conversation starter—for example, if the person was wearing a baseball cap, you could ask if they’re a fan of the sports team on the front.
“Hey, your profile caught my eye. I think we have a lot in common. Do you want to meet for a drink tomorrow and see if we hit it off?”
The formality of the initial message exchange can be a little slow at times. If you’re genuinely interested in pursuing someone, why beat around the bush? Instead of exchanging polite banter back and forth, sometimes it’s just better to go for it in person.
Now, it’s time for you to try these online dating first message tips for yourself! Remember, it’s not just what you say—it’s also how you say it. Pickup lines are intended to give you confidence, whereas opening lines have confidence—and respect—baked in. And the simpler, the better. Ask yourself, Would I say this to somebody’s face? Or Is this how I want our “how we met” story to go? If your first message comes from a top 10 list or it’s something your friend “swears by,” chances are it’s a pickup line that will fall flat.

 

Good Things about Being in a Relationship: 6 Positive Effects

Sure, there are some great benefits to being in a relationship—an end to loneliness and access to a constant activity partner, for starters. But, relationships have also been show to benefit physical and mental health. Being in love and having an intimate connection with your partner does wonders for your mind and body:

1. Being in a relationship helps to relieve physical pain. The reward system in your brain that’s been activated due to those feelings of love and romance actually dulls feelings of pain.
A 2010 study found that when college students put their hand on a heat block, they could withstand the heat longer if shown a picture of their partner. This might explain why, after hurting yourself, the only person you really want near you is your partner. It’s that reward system hard at work, and your body is reaping the benefits.
2. Being in a relationship helps reduce heart attacks. Studies have found that long-term relationships, most notably marriages, are like miracle drugs for heart health.
A 2013 study out of Finland found that singles are twice as likely to die from an “acute coronary syndrome event,” such as a heart attack, and other heart-related issues. There’s just something about being in a committed relationship that strengthens both the literal and proverbial heart.
3. People in relationships have lower stress and lower rates of depression. Relationships can benefit mental health–especially in women.
A 2010 study by the University of Chicago and Northwestern University found that single people suffer from psychological stress and depression more than those in relationships because relationship status affects cortisol production. Cortisol is the stress hormone that can either make or break how one is going to react to a stressful situation. Less stress means less depression.
4. Being in a relationship can positively affect your career. The amount your partner supports you in your career can lead to better professional performance.
A 2014 study found that partners who are “conscientious” give their partners the ability to thrive. Not only does the conscientious partner make for an equal partnership at home, but because he or she establishes a positive and supportive home life, both partners tend to fare better professionally.
5. Married men are happier than single men. Studies have found that men experience more happiness after locking it down.
According to a Michigan State University study of 1366 men, after men say, “I do,” that they are happier than they are when they are single. This isn’t to suggest that getting married is going to make every day a walk in the park, but “[married men] are happier than they would have been if they stayed single.”
6. Relationships help people living longer. While living forever may not be an option, studies show you can live longer if you embrace couple hood. Multiple studies that examined mental health, physical health, overall happiness, and how often couples laugh, have found that those who are married or in healthy, committed relationships live longer. 

 

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

Of all the people who get married, only 3 in 10 remain in happy, healthy marriages. The rest of the relationships end either in divorce or dysfunction. So what does it take to maintain a healthy relationship and a lasting, loving marriage?

Psychologist John Gottman studied thousands of couples over 40 years to answer that question. In 1986, he and a partner set up “The Love Lab,” where they brought in newlyweds and watched them interact. Researchers in the Love Lab hooked up the couples to electrodes and measured their heart rate, blood flow, and how much sweat they produced as they asked them questions about their relationships.
After compiling data over several years, Gottman found that there were two types of couples: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still together and happy after six years of marriage or more. The disasters had either split up or were unhappy in their relationships.
What set these two groups apart? The disaster couples had strong physiological reactions while discussing their relationships, despite the appearance of calm on the outside. The higher their heart rates and the more sweat and blood flow they produced, the quicker their relationships fell apart.
What caused these physiological responses was the environment that the couples had created for each other. Even when talking about minor details of their relationship, the disaster couples were prepared to attack or be attacked. Their interactions were hostile and aggressive. Meanwhile, the masters had low physiological responses during their tests. Their environment was one of trust and intimacy, and this allowed them to feel calm and connected in each other’s presence.
Gottman found that the way that couples react to each other’s bids for attention can determine what kind of environment they create. For example, a wife who is a video game enthusiast might be looking for attention or support from her husband by remarking on a game that excites her. The husband has two choices: He can either dismiss her or engage her. Dismissal can be as minor as a distracted “that’s great, babe” or as aggressive as a disparaging comment about how video games are waste of time. But if he engages her by showing interest—”Oh, I remember you telling me about this game. Is that the one where you fight evil trolls?”—he is meeting her emotional needs.
Partners who stayed together engaged in their significant other’s bids for attention far more often than those who fell apart—the masters clocked in at 87 percent while the disasters only did so 33 percent of the time. Essentially, couples who showed more kindness and support towards one another—in the good times and the bad—ended up in happier, longer-lasting relationships.
For example, if a husband receives a promotion at work, an active, constructive response would be to enthusiastically congratulate him and then ask questions to show interest. “A partner who says, ‘Congratulations! That’s amazing! How did it happen?” is demonstrating kindness that helps to build the backbone of a lasting relationship. A partner who grumbles, “Great, now you’ll be away from home even MORE,” is having the opposite effect—deflating her husband’s good news and criticizing his behavior for good measure.
As you choose from potential partners, look out for these signs. Does he respond positively to your interests, even if he doesn’t share them, or does he tend to brush you off? Does she make negative assumptions about your intentions (for example, does she assume you were getting a text from another date when your phone went off during dinner), or does she view most of your actions as well-meaning? People who demonstrate kindness and support in a relationship will not only put you at ease in the present, they might also be the key to a long and happy future.

 

25 Quick Online Dating Tips Based on Data

Navigating the intricacies of online dating can get a little tricky. It’s hard to know how to break the ice, what to say to keep the conversation going, or when it’s time to stop chatting and ask for a date.

 
That’s why to help out, we looked into data from the online dating site and app Zoosk to get some quick and easy online dating tips that can help you right away.
From ditching the group photo to talking about your kids, here are 25 quick tips to keep in mind as you look for love online.
1. Show off a little.
Adding a full body photo can get you 203% more messages.
2. Focus on you.
People with more than one person in their profile photo get less messages.
3. Mix it up men.
Men with at least one outdoor photo get 19% more messages.
4. Keep it honest.
People who use the word honest in their profile get more messages.
5. Take a selfie ladies.
Women with selfies get 4% more messages.
6. Short first messages work best.
First messages between 61 and 69 characters get the most replies.
7. Mention his or her profile.
Messages that mention someone’s profile get 25% more responses.
8. Have a sense of humor.
Saying that something’s funny in a message can boost responses by 108%.
9. Don’t be afraid to get cute.
Messages that use the word adorable get 106% more responses.
10. Be interesting.
Saying that something’s interesting can boost responses by 94%.
11. Mention your pet.
Messages that mention a pet get 88% more responses.
12. Religion is an ok topic.
Messages with the word religious get 156% more responses.
13. Go ahead and talk about your kids.
Mentioning kids in a first message can get you 34% more responses.
14. Be a health nut.
People with the word healthy in their profile get 17% more messages.
15. Give a compliment.
Messages with the word cute get 54% more responses.
16. Laugh it up.
People with the word laugh in their profile get more messages.
17. Flatter away.
Messages that use the word gorgeous get 45% more responses.
18. Mention his or her hair.
Messages that compliment someone’s hair get 84% more responses.
19. Have fun with it.
Messages with the word fun get 28% more responses.
20. Talk about tattoos.
Messages that ask about someone’s tattoo get 76% more responses.
21. Ask about his or her day.
Messages with the word day get 56% more responses.
22. Always be nice.
Using the word nice in a first message can boost responses by 68%
23. It’s ok to admit when you have a crush.
Using the word crush in a message boosts responses by 121%.
24. Compliment his or her eyes.
Messages that mention someone’s eyes get 64% more responses.
25. Keep it cool.
Messages with the word cool get 62% more responses.

 

How to Write a Dating Profile That Will Get You Dates

There aren’t many situations in life where it’s acceptable to talk at length about yourself to random strangers without pause or interjection. And it’s usually even less socially acceptable to start disclosing your life story, what you’re looking for in a life partner, your ideal date, your music taste, and your favorite movies—in rapid succession—to people you don’t know and have never met.

But there is somewhere where this is all totally normal, where talking about yourself is not only appropriate, but encouraged.
Your online dating profile!
It may seem a bit daunting to dive into explaining so much about yourself and your dreams right away, so I’ve put some tips together to help you out.
Here are some important tips on how to write a dating profile that will help you attract the right people and land a date.
Be genuine
The key to writing a good online dating profile is to be specific about who you are. Nobody likes a profile that sounds as if the writer is tailoring his or her personality to what other people want to hear. Those sorts of generic, essentially meaningless profiles are exactly what don’t catch  someone’s eye online.
Imagine a profile that says:
I’m a nice caring person with a good heart. I am looking for an honest person who likes to have fun.
Seriously, what does that even mean? Everyone thinks they have a good heart (even some really horrible people). Of course this dater is looking for an honest person. What else would someone be looking for, a compulsive liar? And what is fun precisely? Isn’t the concept of fun different for different people? In the end, this profile says essentially nothing. Sure, it might attract some initial responses, but that does nothing toward helping this dater find a real match or create a real connection with someone.
Here’s a better example from a real online dater from the dating site Zoosk:
My Story
I like literature, critical theory, local music and shows, the Criterion Collection, cooking with ingredients most people have never even heard of, creative writing, Virginia Woolf, 4 Barrel Coffee, Baudrillard, pretending that I don’t love the band Journey, attempting to local my zen state, and sleeping in past noon then having coffee on Sundays.
My Perfect Match
An interesting man who knows who Samuel Beckett is, subscribes to similar periodicals as me, and isn’t too cool to dance at a show. Props if you pretentiously bring up Derrida in social situations.
My Ideal Date
Alcohol and feigned indifference. We go for drinks and alternately act interested and completely aloof. It borders on rudeness. Whatever, it’s what I like.
In the profile above, the dater takes time to lay out her personality. You can see that she has fancy taste in films (Criterion Collection), likes to go to shows, and openly admits that she likes critical theory. Some people won’t relate to her at all, but I like this kind of honesty, because she is obviously not trying to please everyone. She is trying to find people who will like her for who she is.
Ain’t no shame in filtering out the rejects!
I believe that an online dating profile should be an honest portrayal of your personality and act as a filter, nixing out all the unwanteds early on. If you look at the profile above, the writer has no shame in saying exactly what it is she’s looking for; if the man doesn’t read the same level of literature that she does then she isn’t interested. It’s probably a little strange to some people, but at least she’s letting the dating pool know what she wants.
It’s always a smart idea to say exactly what it is you do not want right away on our online dating profile. Being forthright and upfront about your desires is not only a good basic practice, but it also saves you and others precious time and energy to get it out right away instead of later on. If you have deal breakers—like smoking, children, or cats—you should write those down in your profile right away. Otherwise you might be in for a sorry surprise later on. The more specific the better.
Here’s an example from another real online dating profile from Zoosk:
My perfect match is an attractive woman who can keep up with me intellectually and conversationally but who doesn’t do so by being pushy or a bully. I really don’t like mean or intolerant people. Matching political/religious views are a plus, but hardly necessary. I suppose my perfect girl is between 25 and 30 and nice to be around. These are just guidelines though so don’t be afraid to write me.
I think these sorts of specifics are really smart. Note that he wrote that he wants a girl “between 25 and 30.” In a few short steps, he’s created age filter and he also mentioned that he prefers people who have matching political and religious views (another filter).
Channel your inner wordsmith
You don’t have to get all Shakespearen on us, but a little oratorical flair never hurts when attracting people to your online dating profile. 
I like this excerpt from another profile:
I love thunderstorms but I can’t live without sunshine. I find beauty in almost everything about this incredible world we live in… I like to swing at the park, play in the snow, and stomp in puddles. I love camping but hate freezing at night.
Take some time to write descriptively. You have no idea how far a tiny bit of eloquence can get you in the world of online dating. Do you like hiking? Don’t just say “I like to hike.” Aim just a bit higher and say something like, “I love the serenity of standing atop a huge mountain, watching the horizon expand before me.” Do you like walks on the beach? Say “There’s nothing more beautiful to me than a beach at sunset, where the stars appear bigger and brighter than everywhere else on earth.” Whatever it is that you have to say, use descriptive language to spice it up.
A little charm goes a long way
If I had to write a list of things that I, particularly, find un-charming, I’d put offensive language, vulgarity, bad spelling, and bad grammar on the top of the list. And somehow, these things occasionally find their way onto people’s’ online dating profiles—which makes me scratch my head and wonder how on earth this could possibly happen. Why would anyone want to date an offensive, vulgar person who has problems communicating effectively? Why would anyone want to present themselves that way?
Ask yourself, when you edit your online dating profile, “Would I date this person?”
There are some important red flags to avoid—angry rants about previous relationships, overboard negativity about your own life, too much disclosure about money or personal finances—when composing your online dating profile. A good rule in determining what kind of content to avoid is a simple reflection on the power of charm.
What kind of people are charming? Generally, they’re positive, friendly, and humble. Charming people have the undeniable ability to attract others to them. They are, simply put, fun to be around. We know each and every person has the ability to be charming. It isn’t particularly difficult. All it takes is a certain level of mindfulness and a little bit of effort. And charm will go a long way with your fellow daters.

 

5 Scientific Reasons to Sleep Butt Naked

Most people are missing out on these health benefits

Only 12 percent of Americans sleep naked, according to a recent poll from the National Sleep Foundation. But that’s a damn shame. Not only does nighttime nudity feel awesome, it’s also good for your health. Here are 5 great reasons to let it all hang out tonight.
You’ll sleep better
Shedding your threads before tucking in will help you snooze more soundly, says Men’s Health sleep advisor W. Christopher Winter, M.D. Your body temperature declines as you doze and climbs before you wake up, but clothing can interfere with this natural fluctuation, Dr. Winter says. The extra insulation can make you too hot as your temperature drops, leading to tossing and turning and waking up sweaty in the middle of the night. Nix the PJs and allow your body temperature to ebb and flow uninterrupted, Dr. Winter says.
You’ll ignite your metabolism
Staying cool throughout the night may help rev your metabolism, according to a 2014 study in the journal Diabetes. Researchers found that when people slept in a chilly room, they produced double the volume of brown fat—a healthy fat stored in your neck that burns calories to generate body heat—compared to when they slept in a warmer room. Keeping your body temperature lower by sleeping nude could produce the same effect, says study author Francesco S. Celi, M.D.
You’ll protect your testicles
Sleeping in your underwear increases the odds that you’ll get an infection in the worst possible place, says Brian Steixner, M.D., a urologist based in Atlantic City, N.J. Your drawers keep heat and moisture in—and bacteria thrive in warm, moist environments, says Dr. Steixner. More bacteria makes for a higher likelihood that any chaffed or irritated skin down there becomes infected, he says. Skip your skivvies to keep your balls cleaner, drier, and healthier.
You’ll nurture your sperm
Your scrotum needs to be just the right temperature in order to optimize sperm production, says Dr. Steixner. That perfect temperature: 95 to 96 degrees, just slightly cooler than the rest of your body. When your testicles are too warm, your sperm quality suffers, according to a Finnish study that tested the semen of men who used saunas. Even tight underwear can be enough to raise your sack’s temperature above the optimum level, Dr. Steixner says. So for the sake of your future children, consider freeballing.
You’ll get closer to your partner
Skin-on-skin contact with another person triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin in your brain, according to Swedish researchers. The chemical reduces stress, makes you feel more connected to your partner, and increases your sex drive, the scientists say. And let’s state the obvious: Brushing up against each other naked in bed often leads to good things. 

 

You Probably Trust Your Computer Way More Than You Trust Your Girlfriend

"We are more willing to spread out personal information across the web than we are to divulge facts to a person we are personally getting to know."

When you’re checking out on Amazon, you don’t hesitate to type all your personal information into the boxes that say, “name,” “address,” and “card number.” Why would you? Amazon is a trusted website, and you want that Game of Thrones box set, dammit. But what if the person asking you for this info was someone you're into? Turns out, you'd be way less comfortable sharing even your last name.A new survey has confirmed what we all know to be universally true: People are more willing to dish out personal details to a nameless, faceless computer than to a person they’re actually dating.The 2,000-person survey from Echoworx found that it takes the average American 20 seconds to figure out if an email in their inbox is safe, 28 seconds to see if an online form is safe to input their personal info, and 31 seconds to decide if a website is legit enough to make purchases from with their credit card. (Try these online shopping hacks to get you a better deal every time.)
The most common reasons for revealing personal info? Making online purchases, applying for a mortgage or insurance, or submitting job applications. (Follow these tips to land your dream job.)
But when it comes to potential partners, people need to go on an average of two and a half dates before they're comfortable enough to even disclose their full name. And it takes an average of four dates before they’re willing to reveal their home address, and six and a half dates before they want to approach things like salary. (However, one in three respondents said that they wouldn’t be comfortable talking to someone about the latter no matter how many dates they’d been on.)
“It’s interesting that we are more willing to spread out personal information across the web than we are to divulge facts to a person we are personally getting to know,” a spokesperson for Echoworx told the New York Post. “It’s not that it should be the opposite, but when it comes to things like your social security number and banking details being shared over online channels, it’s necessary to take care.”

 

8 Reasons Your Online Messages Aren’t Resulting in Dates

There is no denying that it takes true effort to turn online dating messages into face-to-face dates.

This process involves opening up, keeping a conversation going (and interesting), asking solid, engaging questions, and having the courage to ask someone out (or say yes). Most importantly, though, getting a date means the person you are talking to must connect with you in some way.
For many online daters, the course from online messages to actual dating has become a mindless, thoughtless experience, an anxiety-provoking adventure, or an incredibly confusing process. It’s natural to be left wondering what went wrong if messaging appears to be going well and the person you are talking to suddenly goes MIA. Was it something you said (or didn’t say)? Is the other person dealing with some baggage or external life event that has nothing to do with you? Could you have done anything differently to ensure the initial spark or level of interest didn’t fizzle? While you don’t have complete control, you can increase your probability of building a connection by ensuring you are sending high-quality messages and avoiding the eight messaging traps below.
Here are eight reasons your messages may not be resulting in dates:
1. You sound cynical or negative.
While it’s smart to be real and you are allowed to state your thoughts on unpleasant weather, for example, sounding like a Debbie Downer interferes with making a positive first impression. Sounding cynical, depressing, or negative deters potential partners from wanting to get to know you as they are likely to assume you won’t add anything positive to their lives and therefore, don’t see the point of getting to know you. Stay away from complaining about life stresses, such as traffic, illness, work, family, politics, and random disappointments in your messages. Keep your tone upbeat and don’t use messages as a platform to air grievances about your life or the world.
2. You are using messages with new potential partners to trash an ex, complain about your dating life, or ask about their online dating experiences.
It can be tempting to bond with a potential partner over the misery you both may feel being single, or the roller coaster nature of online dating, but this is not a healthy foundation to a relationship. Although these topics may seem to be positive for bonding and creating commonalities at first, it’s your best bet to steer clear of any past relationship talk or negativity around your singlehood. Badmouthing an ex or previous date reflects poorly on you, especially in the early stages of messaging or dating when you are still pretty much strangers.
3. You come off as judgmental or insulting.
If you are using snarky humor or cracking jokes early on without a trusting, solid bond, you are likely to come off as offensive and mean-spirited. Or maybe you turn someone off by responding with a comment that sounds more judgmental than validating. Technology can also blur your intentions and lead to misinterpretation if you aren’t careful. For example, you may believe you are giving a compliment, but if you need to type “I hope I didn’t insult you” at any point in your message, it’s a sign you need to rethink your words and make sure you are being kind and open-minded. It is also insulting to reference sex, overly comment on physical appearance, or make judgments about someone based on the little bit of information an online dating profile provides. Instead of being a total jokester or making assumptions or statements as if you know someone, ask questions with curiosity and interest.
4. You are trying too hard to sell yourself, which makes you appear arrogant or desperate.
It’s natural to want to be liked and understood, but too much selling can do the opposite. Using a phrase like, “I am intelligent, successful, handsome, and generous, but you’ll see this for yourself,” is a no-no. Remember there is a difference between sharing your strengths, accomplishments, and personality traits and bragging, boasting, and announcing your successes in a grandiose or snobby way. If your messages sound more like a sales pitch, suspicious, or disingenuous, you are likely to lose dates.
5. Your messages are way too long and overwhelming for the other person to read and respond to.
While it’s positive you are open to communicating and sharing as the means to getting to know someone, sending messages that read like chapters in a novel or ramble on and on, can lead to a lack of replies. These types of messages can scare off a potential partner or leave them wondering how to respond, especially if there is too much information, oversharing, or numerous questions within one message. Aim to be short and sweet and remind yourself that you don’t have to be overly detailed or share your entire life story. Let the connection grow over time. Think layers!
6. You are barely giving the other person anything to relate to or respond to.
If the person you are messaging with is doing all of the work to keep the connection going, they are likely to give up. They might assume you are not interested, ready, or available or purely be exhausted from attempting to get to know you. It’s important to actively engage and ensure you are not making the other person feel like they are pulling teeth to get you to communicate. If you are shy or reserved, it’s better to be upfront and honest about that than to barely give anything in return without explanation. It’s okay to take your time, but also make sure you are actively participating and pushing yourself to be open and communicative.
7. You make scheduling a date with you way too difficult.
Often I hear clients complain when they hit it off with someone online and then ask for a date and the person says yes, but then makes the logistics nearly impossible to coordinate. Or the person doesn’t give a definite yes, but also doesn’t say no, and just ignores the question altogether. This creates mixed messages, confusion, and is likely to cause a potential connection to fizzle. If you want to go on a date, be willing to show motivation and to help plan something, as well as clearly say yes or be honest about your needs (examples — wanting to schedule a phone call first or spend more time over messaging).
8. You are using generic messages or sending identical messages to multiple people.
If the person you’re chatting with feels you simply copied-and-pasted messages, with little effort on your part, it is unlikely you will get a reply. Instead grab his or her attention with a unique subject line that signals you actually read their profile. Also, be aware that friends may compare online dating messages and even consider dating the same person without initially realizing it, so there’s a good chance you will get caught for sending generic messages in big batches. Do your best to make a genuine effort, get comfortable starting conversations about diverse topics, and lead with what you connected to in an individual profile instead of a cookie-cutter message that reads like spam.
Each time you draft a message and before you hit send, reread it to check your energy, tone, language, length, communication style, openness, etc. and assess how your message may feel to the person receiving it. By avoiding the common explanations for not getting dates listed above, you can take control of your part in getting messages and replies, leading to more dates with your ideal matches.