So You’ve Been Cheated On. Here’s How to Repair Your Relationship

Taking these important steps can increase the odds of success 

The moment you find out your partner has been cheating on you, just about everything changes. Trust has been broken, and it may be difficult to imagine a future knowing that your closest companion has been intimate with someone else. So where do you go from here?
Heading to divorce court is certainly one route, but you shouldn't assume it's the only option or the best one for you: Statistics vary, but research shows that a sizable percentage of marriages manage to survive infidelity."Couples can heal from affairs," says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a relationship expert and the founder of the Marriage Restoration Project, a global initiative to keep couples together and happy. He discourages couples from immediately separating or filing for divorce—provided you're both on board. “Either you want the marriage to work or you don’t.”
Here's what you should know if you find yourself in that exact situation.
STEP 1: MAKE SURE THE AFFAIR ENDS IMMEDIATELY
One of the very first things to do is to determine whether your partner is willing to immediately dissolve the outside relationship. “Stopping the affair is non-negotiable,” said Jill Murray, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist based in California. “The person with whom the partner was having the affair with can no longer be in their lives, even in a peripheral way."If that means changing jobs, switching gyms, or even relocating a new city, it has to happen. It's the only way to ensure that your partner is 100 percent committed to moving on, says Murray. After that commitment is made, it’s time to figure out what went wrong and why.
STEP 2: TALK IT OUT
Ideally, decide on a time when you can sit down together and have what's bound to be a difficult conversation. It's often best not to have this conversation the same day you learned about the affair, but rather to postpone it at least a few days, if not longer.
“Set aside time in the future so you will both be mentally ready to share and hear these uncomfortable details,” says Slatkin. “The betrayed should come ready to ask about whatever information they need to have so that all doubts can be removed, and they can start getting over the affair.” Craig Foust, a marriage counselor based in St. Louis, Missouri, says it's also important to get to the root of why the infidelity happened.
“The person cheated on may continually ask questions that seem repetitive, however, the core of the issue to be explored is when/how did the distance in the relationship [between you and your spouse] develop,” says Foust. “When did we start to have problems? What were the signs? Were both of us aware of the distance growing between us? Answering these questions will be critical.”
STEP 3: ENLIST PROFESSIONAL HELP
Infidelity is a pretty serious issue for a couple to contend with on their own. If keeping your marriage intact is a priority, Foust recommends seeking out a marriage counselor who can guide you through the process.
"It's no different than seeing a physical therapist for a leg injury: You may be able to walk on it, but you can cause lasting damage if it is not allowed to heal properly," says Foust. "The same goes with healing after an affair. The average couple may be able to stabilize their marriage, but often there are deep-rooted marital issues that only become noticeable over time or to an outsider looking in."
STEP 4: CARVE OUT QUALITY TIME
After you've had the tough talks and both agreed that you're going to stick this out, it's time to work on rekindling your connection. It won't be easy to do, especially in the beginning, but it's crucial to bouncing back as quickly as possible. “Spending quality time together shows investment in the relationship, from both sides, and helps to re-establish some type of normalcy,” says Foust.While it might be a challenge to find mutually agreeable activities when things are feeling so rocky, Suzanne Coburn, a licensed professional counselor, says you need to at least try to have fun.
“A date night is one idea, but even better is an activity that builds relationships: Go for a hike, go bowling, walk in beautiful gardens, attend a sports event together. What did you enjoy doing together when you were first dating? Do that,” she says.
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO WALK AWAY.
Many people have been successful at mending a relationship after an affair, and hopefully you'll be among them. But sometimes the wounds are just too deep for that to be possible. In other instances, both parties aren't truly committed to making it work, and that's another deal-breaker.
If you're having trouble getting past infidelity, Murray suggests taking a step back to assess whether your spouse is actually empathizing with your feelings or is intent that you should "get over it."
“If the person is backsliding into old, secretive, or lying behavior, or there’s just too much anger and hurt to recover from, it may be time to call it quits,” she says.

 

What Women Say Makes the Perfect Date

Learn the rules and the secret codes to planning the perfect date from an expert: A woman
Observe the 4 p.m. Deadline

As the big date approaches, women worry that they'll be stood up. This is why there's a 4 p.m. deadline. If you call at 4:20 to confirm the 8 p.m. date, I'll have already made other plans, just to protect myself from the letdown. Call between noon and 4, or risk being set adrift like a hard-luck astronaut.
Choose the Location Well
If we live in a city, the first date should be closer to my place than yours—so you can walk me home. You should reach the meeting place on time or a little early. If you're driving to my place, pick me up 5 minutes late. There may be a stray hair that needs taming. And observe proper car etiquette. Always open the door for me, whether or not your car has power locks. Pressing a button does not a gentleman make.
Money Matters
Spending too much on a date makes me think you're trying to buy my affection. Or worse. I'd rather see evidence of your personal interest than your interest-bearing accounts. Special note: If you're spending more than $200 on a woman who isn't sleeping with you, you're a sucker. And she sucks.
Pay Attention
Girls spend a lot of time getting glam. They also spend a lot of time wondering if guys notice. Respond to my efforts.
But Chill with the Compliments
Give me a couple of sincere snaps—but make sure they're thoughtful. If you say you like my smile or my eyes, I've heard it before. Say, "Look at that dimple," or, "Wow, you have great eyelashes." Now you have my attention. Compliment my intelligence, sassiness, or unfaltering talent for ordering the best guac. Now you might get some ass.
Introduce Me
If you stop and talk to absolutely anyone, introduce me within 30 seconds without using the words "my friend." Personal details are required. By date six, I should have met all your important friends.
Don't Go All Donald on Me
Unless a woman is a hopeless climber, you won't impress her with what you own (that is, if you own anything). Instead, let me discover what's valuable about you, not what you've bought.
Notice What I Drink
Ask me if I'd like a refill when I leave an empty glass behind and head for the ladies' room. This makes you attentive and thoughtful. This makes me happy and socially lubricated.
Walk Me to My Door
It's a scary world, and I want you to protect me. If you're welcome inside my apartment, I will invite you. Do not ask to use my bathroom.
Kiss Me
If the date has gone well, lips must come into play. Even if it's just a peck. It gives me more peace of mind than you can imagine. Don't be discouraged if I hesitate to kiss you in return. I might be shy or nervous because I really like you. Or maybe you have bad breath. It doesn't mean I don't, or won't, want you.
Recognize the Kiss-Off
Game over if I don't kiss you on a second date. Take the hint.

 

5 Online Dating Tips on Writing the First Message

Breaking the ice—in any situation—is no easy feat. Whether you’re approaching someone at a bar, a party, or online, putting yourself out there can be an awkward and scary experience, even for people who are naturally outgoing.

Lucky for us, breaking the ice online is a lot easier and a lot less frightening than approaching someone in real life. You don’t have to deal with a crowd of people watching you, you can take a really long time thinking of what to say, and you have the assurance of knowing that the people you’re approaching are also single and open to meeting someone—after all, they’re on a dating site.
Next time you log in and start meeting people, consider these five online dating tips for writing a first message:
Don’t be nervous.
Even if your stomach is tied up into knots and you’re so nervous you can barely type, try to stay calm. Go splash some cold water on your face, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, “What do I have to lose?” Really, it’s not like the person on the other end of the message is going to publicly reject you, and you’ll never have to see this person in real life if nothing comes out of your attempt. The worst that can happen is an “I’m not interested” message, which you can quickly delete. And, if you get no response at all, you can do what we all do and just pretend it never happened. The ability to compartmentalize is a beautiful thing.
Do your homework.
Actually take the time to read someone’s profile before sending that first message. I know a lot of us are quick on the draw when it comes to messaging people who catch our eye, but it helps to actually know something about that person before you message them. And, from the feedback I’ve gotten from real online daters, we know that’s exactly what most online daters want you to do. One online dater Elizabetta wrote, “Before flirting or mailing, please, read my profile. Do not just look at the photo! Think: Do we have anything in common, why would she be interested in me? There is a reason she has written all that.”  Another dater, Damian, said, “The best flirt I ever received was from a lady who wrote something that showed she had at least read my profile. In fact, I thank her to this day for her honesty and friendly reply.” Tailor-made messages, like tailor-made clothes, really do fit better. You’ll see.
Cool your jets.
“Cool it down,” isn’t just a lyric in one of our favorite Velvet Underground songs. It’s also basic advice when it comes to dating.  Online dater, Nathaniel elaborated for us, “Girls get tired of cheesy compliments like, ‘you are so beautiful, you have such beautiful eyes, I think I’m in love, I’ve died and gone to heaven, if I’m sleeping don’t wake me, I must be dreaming, let’s do it, your so hot, etc.’ Don’t use pick up lines ever. They don’t work.” The same goes for guys; everyone will just think you’re creepy if you over-do it with compliments, especially when you barely know them. According to data from the online dating site Zoosk, messages with generic compliments that included words like sexy, cute, beautiful, or gorgeous actually made responses go down. Also, while it’s one thing to be tongue-in-cheek, it’s another thing to be vulgar. The best way to approach a first message is to keep it in ‘friend’ territory. Keep your message light and simple. You have plenty of time to develop things further, so be patient for now.
Avoid TMI
TMI, or ‘too much information’, about yourself is a no-no on a first date, and it’s also a no-no with a first message too. Generally, when people talk too much about themselves it reveals a real problem with listening, which is a turn off. If things work out between you and your prospective match, they’ll find out everything about you in due course. There is no need to tell someone everything about your life right away. Also, keep an eye on the scale of your letter. Don’t write a novel, but don’t send a haiku either. While you should make sure you include enough text to spark someone’s interest, don’t include so much that they fall asleep while scrolling through it. And you should make sure at least some of your sentences end with a question mark. Asking questions in your message, as opposed to talking nonstop about yourself, is also a great way to get a reply.
Spellcheck. Prease. Please.
Never underestimate the power of a typo-proof message. Typos and grammatical mistakes are ugly blips that detract from the sincerity and sweetness of what you’re saying. Can you imagine what Sonnet 18 would be like if instead of “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day,” Shakespeare wrote instead, “Shlal I compaer the 2 a sumur’s dai?” If you feel uncomfortable with the grammatical integrity of a message, why not run a simple grammar and spelling check on it? It’s not that hard, we promise.
Just to give you an idea of what a good first message might look like, below is a sample first message to use as an example.
Hi _____. My name is _____, and I really liked what you said in your profile!
We share a lot of interests, like synchronized swimming and live action role playing games. It also appears that we have really similar music taste. Norwegian death metal is the best! What’s your favorite band? Also, I noticed in your picture that you have a pet turtle. I have a pet turtle too, named Rick! He’s thirty-five years old. Do you have any other pets? I’m a vegetarian and I love animals, and I’m happy to read that you’re a vegetarian too.
Anyway, I hope to hear back from you because you sound really interesting. Have a nice day!
Best,
____.
See how easy that was? Even if you don’t think you’d respond to a message like that, I’m sure the pet-turtle having, Norwegian death metal loving, synchronized swimming LARPer getting that message definitely would.
Next time you’re ready to start messaging someone, remember these tips. Over time, you’ll realize that breaking the ice online isn’t so bad after all. In fact,you might even surprise yourself and start having fun.

 

Is It Love… Or Just Sex? Here’s How to Know

Here’s a common scenario: You meet someone new, and one look is all it takes to light the fuse of sexual fireworks. You can barely keep your hands off each other — and the excitement of it all feels like falling in love. 

But is it really? Can simple lust masquerade as something more? Is it possible to spot the absence of real romance soon enough to avoid making a bad investment?
The answer to these questions is “yes.”
It’s easy to mistake the explosive chemistry of physical attraction with long-term romantic potential. But if you’re willing to honestly assess your actions and feelings, it’s also not hard to recognize the truth. Here are 7 signs you might be confusing love and sex:
Your attraction is more physical than emotional.
What was the first thing about your partner to catch your attention? Was it his or her sense of humor, or an act of kindness you observed? Or was it their fashion-magazine appearance and manner? There’s nothing wrong with looking good, or with appreciating that trait in someone else. But if that’s not accompanied by a deeper reason for attraction, you may be headed for disappointment.
You say ‘yes’ to sex to keep someone around.
When you’ve just started dating someone new, there may come a moment when it’s clear he or she expects sex as the next step — and that their interest may wane if you don’t agree. Saying yes can be an easy way to avoid asking the question: Why do you feel their interest might sag?
You are lovers, but not really friends.
The sex is really good, maybe even great. But what else do you have in common? What would you talk about if one of you were physically incapacitated after an accident? Do you know personal details about them that their most casual friends don’t also know? If you have trouble answering questions like these, chances are sex is standing in for deeper connection.
Your time together is all spent in bed (or getting there).
Do you go out together to public places where the idea is to have fun or get to know each other better? Or do you mostly “hang out” at home where sex is instantly available?
When sex is done, you want to leave.
Lust alone is often all it takes to draw lovers together. But when the sex is done, lust by itself can produce the reverse reaction — like magnets that cling together until you flip them to opposing poles. If either of you can’t stick around to cuddle or spend the rest of the evening together, then the potential for real love is probably small.
The sex may be good, but you still feel unsatisfied.
Researchers have recognized that the biochemistry of sex — through the release of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin — is meant to engender feelings of well-being and bonding with your partner. But that can’t overcome your own intuition about the relationship’s true potential. Beware if you feel empty after sex, rather than fulfilled.
You resist introducing your partner to friends and family.
Is this person someone you can’t wait to show off? Or do you intuitively suspect that the people who know and love you best will see the truth you are trying hard to deny? If you’re tempted to keep the relationship a “secret,” chances are it has little lasting potential.

 

Online Dating First Message Tips: Opening Lines that Work

I’ll just come right out and say it: Most first messages on online dating sites are terrible. They’re lame, impersonal and just make you feel, well, kind of icky. The immediate thought is Oh, he must say this to everyone or Great, she didn’t even read my profile. I don’t know who invented pickup lines and publicized the notion that they’re a catalyst to romance, but I wish we could all recognize there are better places to start that aren’t thinly-veiled catcalls. Nobody likes being fed a line, period.

 
So I came up with some online dating first message tips that can help you get more responses and get that much closer to meeting someone special.
Online dating can make you feel vulnerable. You’re putting yourself out there and inviting people to pass judgment on your hobbies, interests, and looks. So when you get a message that disregards the special things that make you who you are, it makes you feel disrespected.
I get it, though. If you rely on pickup lines, I kind of see where you’re coming from, and there’s a chance that you mean well. It’s easy to succumb to the pressure of pickup lines, because they’re just that—easy. We see the “cool” guys effortlessly use pickup lines in movies, to great success. We read listicles about the funniest and most clever and most sure-fire things to say when you want to ask someone out. But in reality, no matter how winning a line seems or how many times you’ve practiced it, the line usually falls short. The good news is there are better ways to go about it.
I’m suggesting we say “no” to pickup lines and “yes” to opening lines. There—that already sounds a little friendlier. If you want to make the first move or send the first message while online dating, more power to you. But don’t panic and fall back on a cheesy pickup line, or you run the risk of coming off as demeaning and predatory. Instead, let’s explore opening lines that will actually get you somewhere. These work especially well for online dating. These are specific to me, so adjust accordingly.
“Hi, I’m ____.”
It’s mind-blowingly simple advice, but oh-so effective: Just say hi. The most overlooked word in the online dating world is hi. There’s some merit behind Jerry Maguire’s “You had me at hello”—sometimes “hi” is the perfect thing to say. Simple? Yes. Effective? Absolutely. A polite introduction goes a long way and echoes something you would actually say in real life, demonstrating that you have good manners.
“I’ve visited St. Louis before, I almost went to WashU for grad school.”
Don’t you hate it when somebody messages you and asks, “So, where are you from?” or “What do you like to do for fun?” It makes you feel like they skipped the profile and just messaged you as part of their numbers game. I can’t stress this enough—actually read their profile! Commenting on something he or she wrote in their profile shows that you actually took the time to read what they wrote.
However, don’t push your luck and try to be cute. “I’ve visited St. Louis before, I almost went to WashU for grad school. Maybe you can show me the city some day.” This is an opening line turned pickup line. There’s no need to add the second part—it reads as overly cocky and confident, and negates the good of the first part of the sentence.
“What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!”
Another online dating first message tip is to break the ice with a (clean) joke. It can work wonders for clearing up any awkwardness you might feel during the first few messages. It’s not, however, an excuse to infuse the conversation with sexual innuendo. A joke could technically be classified as a pickup line, but I think as long as you tell it with good intentions, you’re in the clear.
“You look great in hats.”
I can’t tell you how thrilled I would be to receive this message from a potential match. It’s more specific than the expected “You have nice eyes” go-to compliment. The person might genuinely have great eyes, but try giving a compliment that’s a little quirkier and tailored to what they show in their photos. It will show that you actually absorbed information and remembered the details of what they presented to you in their profile. It also serves as a conversation starter—for example, if the person was wearing a baseball cap, you could ask if they’re a fan of the sports team on the front.
“Hey, your profile caught my eye. I think we have a lot in common. Do you want to meet for a drink tomorrow and see if we hit it off?”
The formality of the initial message exchange can be a little slow at times. If you’re genuinely interested in pursuing someone, why beat around the bush? Instead of exchanging polite banter back and forth, sometimes it’s just better to go for it in person.
Now, it’s time for you to try these online dating first message tips for yourself! Remember, it’s not just what you say—it’s also how you say it. Pickup lines are intended to give you confidence, whereas opening lines have confidence—and respect—baked in. And the simpler, the better. Ask yourself, Would I say this to somebody’s face? Or Is this how I want our “how we met” story to go? If your first message comes from a top 10 list or it’s something your friend “swears by,” chances are it’s a pickup line that will fall flat.

 

Good Things about Being in a Relationship: 6 Positive Effects

Sure, there are some great benefits to being in a relationship—an end to loneliness and access to a constant activity partner, for starters. But, relationships have also been show to benefit physical and mental health. Being in love and having an intimate connection with your partner does wonders for your mind and body:

1. Being in a relationship helps to relieve physical pain. The reward system in your brain that’s been activated due to those feelings of love and romance actually dulls feelings of pain.
A 2010 study found that when college students put their hand on a heat block, they could withstand the heat longer if shown a picture of their partner. This might explain why, after hurting yourself, the only person you really want near you is your partner. It’s that reward system hard at work, and your body is reaping the benefits.
2. Being in a relationship helps reduce heart attacks. Studies have found that long-term relationships, most notably marriages, are like miracle drugs for heart health.
A 2013 study out of Finland found that singles are twice as likely to die from an “acute coronary syndrome event,” such as a heart attack, and other heart-related issues. There’s just something about being in a committed relationship that strengthens both the literal and proverbial heart.
3. People in relationships have lower stress and lower rates of depression. Relationships can benefit mental health–especially in women.
A 2010 study by the University of Chicago and Northwestern University found that single people suffer from psychological stress and depression more than those in relationships because relationship status affects cortisol production. Cortisol is the stress hormone that can either make or break how one is going to react to a stressful situation. Less stress means less depression.
4. Being in a relationship can positively affect your career. The amount your partner supports you in your career can lead to better professional performance.
A 2014 study found that partners who are “conscientious” give their partners the ability to thrive. Not only does the conscientious partner make for an equal partnership at home, but because he or she establishes a positive and supportive home life, both partners tend to fare better professionally.
5. Married men are happier than single men. Studies have found that men experience more happiness after locking it down.
According to a Michigan State University study of 1366 men, after men say, “I do,” that they are happier than they are when they are single. This isn’t to suggest that getting married is going to make every day a walk in the park, but “[married men] are happier than they would have been if they stayed single.”
6. Relationships help people living longer. While living forever may not be an option, studies show you can live longer if you embrace couple hood. Multiple studies that examined mental health, physical health, overall happiness, and how often couples laugh, have found that those who are married or in healthy, committed relationships live longer. 

 

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

Of all the people who get married, only 3 in 10 remain in happy, healthy marriages. The rest of the relationships end either in divorce or dysfunction. So what does it take to maintain a healthy relationship and a lasting, loving marriage?

Psychologist John Gottman studied thousands of couples over 40 years to answer that question. In 1986, he and a partner set up “The Love Lab,” where they brought in newlyweds and watched them interact. Researchers in the Love Lab hooked up the couples to electrodes and measured their heart rate, blood flow, and how much sweat they produced as they asked them questions about their relationships.
After compiling data over several years, Gottman found that there were two types of couples: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still together and happy after six years of marriage or more. The disasters had either split up or were unhappy in their relationships.
What set these two groups apart? The disaster couples had strong physiological reactions while discussing their relationships, despite the appearance of calm on the outside. The higher their heart rates and the more sweat and blood flow they produced, the quicker their relationships fell apart.
What caused these physiological responses was the environment that the couples had created for each other. Even when talking about minor details of their relationship, the disaster couples were prepared to attack or be attacked. Their interactions were hostile and aggressive. Meanwhile, the masters had low physiological responses during their tests. Their environment was one of trust and intimacy, and this allowed them to feel calm and connected in each other’s presence.
Gottman found that the way that couples react to each other’s bids for attention can determine what kind of environment they create. For example, a wife who is a video game enthusiast might be looking for attention or support from her husband by remarking on a game that excites her. The husband has two choices: He can either dismiss her or engage her. Dismissal can be as minor as a distracted “that’s great, babe” or as aggressive as a disparaging comment about how video games are waste of time. But if he engages her by showing interest—”Oh, I remember you telling me about this game. Is that the one where you fight evil trolls?”—he is meeting her emotional needs.
Partners who stayed together engaged in their significant other’s bids for attention far more often than those who fell apart—the masters clocked in at 87 percent while the disasters only did so 33 percent of the time. Essentially, couples who showed more kindness and support towards one another—in the good times and the bad—ended up in happier, longer-lasting relationships.
For example, if a husband receives a promotion at work, an active, constructive response would be to enthusiastically congratulate him and then ask questions to show interest. “A partner who says, ‘Congratulations! That’s amazing! How did it happen?” is demonstrating kindness that helps to build the backbone of a lasting relationship. A partner who grumbles, “Great, now you’ll be away from home even MORE,” is having the opposite effect—deflating her husband’s good news and criticizing his behavior for good measure.
As you choose from potential partners, look out for these signs. Does he respond positively to your interests, even if he doesn’t share them, or does he tend to brush you off? Does she make negative assumptions about your intentions (for example, does she assume you were getting a text from another date when your phone went off during dinner), or does she view most of your actions as well-meaning? People who demonstrate kindness and support in a relationship will not only put you at ease in the present, they might also be the key to a long and happy future.