25 Quick Online Dating Tips Based on Data

Navigating the intricacies of online dating can get a little tricky. It’s hard to know how to break the ice, what to say to keep the conversation going, or when it’s time to stop chatting and ask for a date.

 
That’s why to help out, we looked into data from the online dating site and app Zoosk to get some quick and easy online dating tips that can help you right away.
From ditching the group photo to talking about your kids, here are 25 quick tips to keep in mind as you look for love online.
1. Show off a little.
Adding a full body photo can get you 203% more messages.
2. Focus on you.
People with more than one person in their profile photo get less messages.
3. Mix it up men.
Men with at least one outdoor photo get 19% more messages.
4. Keep it honest.
People who use the word honest in their profile get more messages.
5. Take a selfie ladies.
Women with selfies get 4% more messages.
6. Short first messages work best.
First messages between 61 and 69 characters get the most replies.
7. Mention his or her profile.
Messages that mention someone’s profile get 25% more responses.
8. Have a sense of humor.
Saying that something’s funny in a message can boost responses by 108%.
9. Don’t be afraid to get cute.
Messages that use the word adorable get 106% more responses.
10. Be interesting.
Saying that something’s interesting can boost responses by 94%.
11. Mention your pet.
Messages that mention a pet get 88% more responses.
12. Religion is an ok topic.
Messages with the word religious get 156% more responses.
13. Go ahead and talk about your kids.
Mentioning kids in a first message can get you 34% more responses.
14. Be a health nut.
People with the word healthy in their profile get 17% more messages.
15. Give a compliment.
Messages with the word cute get 54% more responses.
16. Laugh it up.
People with the word laugh in their profile get more messages.
17. Flatter away.
Messages that use the word gorgeous get 45% more responses.
18. Mention his or her hair.
Messages that compliment someone’s hair get 84% more responses.
19. Have fun with it.
Messages with the word fun get 28% more responses.
20. Talk about tattoos.
Messages that ask about someone’s tattoo get 76% more responses.
21. Ask about his or her day.
Messages with the word day get 56% more responses.
22. Always be nice.
Using the word nice in a first message can boost responses by 68%
23. It’s ok to admit when you have a crush.
Using the word crush in a message boosts responses by 121%.
24. Compliment his or her eyes.
Messages that mention someone’s eyes get 64% more responses.
25. Keep it cool.
Messages with the word cool get 62% more responses.

 

How to Write a Dating Profile That Will Get You Dates

There aren’t many situations in life where it’s acceptable to talk at length about yourself to random strangers without pause or interjection. And it’s usually even less socially acceptable to start disclosing your life story, what you’re looking for in a life partner, your ideal date, your music taste, and your favorite movies—in rapid succession—to people you don’t know and have never met.

But there is somewhere where this is all totally normal, where talking about yourself is not only appropriate, but encouraged.
Your online dating profile!
It may seem a bit daunting to dive into explaining so much about yourself and your dreams right away, so I’ve put some tips together to help you out.
Here are some important tips on how to write a dating profile that will help you attract the right people and land a date.
Be genuine
The key to writing a good online dating profile is to be specific about who you are. Nobody likes a profile that sounds as if the writer is tailoring his or her personality to what other people want to hear. Those sorts of generic, essentially meaningless profiles are exactly what don’t catch  someone’s eye online.
Imagine a profile that says:
I’m a nice caring person with a good heart. I am looking for an honest person who likes to have fun.
Seriously, what does that even mean? Everyone thinks they have a good heart (even some really horrible people). Of course this dater is looking for an honest person. What else would someone be looking for, a compulsive liar? And what is fun precisely? Isn’t the concept of fun different for different people? In the end, this profile says essentially nothing. Sure, it might attract some initial responses, but that does nothing toward helping this dater find a real match or create a real connection with someone.
Here’s a better example from a real online dater from the dating site Zoosk:
My Story
I like literature, critical theory, local music and shows, the Criterion Collection, cooking with ingredients most people have never even heard of, creative writing, Virginia Woolf, 4 Barrel Coffee, Baudrillard, pretending that I don’t love the band Journey, attempting to local my zen state, and sleeping in past noon then having coffee on Sundays.
My Perfect Match
An interesting man who knows who Samuel Beckett is, subscribes to similar periodicals as me, and isn’t too cool to dance at a show. Props if you pretentiously bring up Derrida in social situations.
My Ideal Date
Alcohol and feigned indifference. We go for drinks and alternately act interested and completely aloof. It borders on rudeness. Whatever, it’s what I like.
In the profile above, the dater takes time to lay out her personality. You can see that she has fancy taste in films (Criterion Collection), likes to go to shows, and openly admits that she likes critical theory. Some people won’t relate to her at all, but I like this kind of honesty, because she is obviously not trying to please everyone. She is trying to find people who will like her for who she is.
Ain’t no shame in filtering out the rejects!
I believe that an online dating profile should be an honest portrayal of your personality and act as a filter, nixing out all the unwanteds early on. If you look at the profile above, the writer has no shame in saying exactly what it is she’s looking for; if the man doesn’t read the same level of literature that she does then she isn’t interested. It’s probably a little strange to some people, but at least she’s letting the dating pool know what she wants.
It’s always a smart idea to say exactly what it is you do not want right away on our online dating profile. Being forthright and upfront about your desires is not only a good basic practice, but it also saves you and others precious time and energy to get it out right away instead of later on. If you have deal breakers—like smoking, children, or cats—you should write those down in your profile right away. Otherwise you might be in for a sorry surprise later on. The more specific the better.
Here’s an example from another real online dating profile from Zoosk:
My perfect match is an attractive woman who can keep up with me intellectually and conversationally but who doesn’t do so by being pushy or a bully. I really don’t like mean or intolerant people. Matching political/religious views are a plus, but hardly necessary. I suppose my perfect girl is between 25 and 30 and nice to be around. These are just guidelines though so don’t be afraid to write me.
I think these sorts of specifics are really smart. Note that he wrote that he wants a girl “between 25 and 30.” In a few short steps, he’s created age filter and he also mentioned that he prefers people who have matching political and religious views (another filter).
Channel your inner wordsmith
You don’t have to get all Shakespearen on us, but a little oratorical flair never hurts when attracting people to your online dating profile. 
I like this excerpt from another profile:
I love thunderstorms but I can’t live without sunshine. I find beauty in almost everything about this incredible world we live in… I like to swing at the park, play in the snow, and stomp in puddles. I love camping but hate freezing at night.
Take some time to write descriptively. You have no idea how far a tiny bit of eloquence can get you in the world of online dating. Do you like hiking? Don’t just say “I like to hike.” Aim just a bit higher and say something like, “I love the serenity of standing atop a huge mountain, watching the horizon expand before me.” Do you like walks on the beach? Say “There’s nothing more beautiful to me than a beach at sunset, where the stars appear bigger and brighter than everywhere else on earth.” Whatever it is that you have to say, use descriptive language to spice it up.
A little charm goes a long way
If I had to write a list of things that I, particularly, find un-charming, I’d put offensive language, vulgarity, bad spelling, and bad grammar on the top of the list. And somehow, these things occasionally find their way onto people’s’ online dating profiles—which makes me scratch my head and wonder how on earth this could possibly happen. Why would anyone want to date an offensive, vulgar person who has problems communicating effectively? Why would anyone want to present themselves that way?
Ask yourself, when you edit your online dating profile, “Would I date this person?”
There are some important red flags to avoid—angry rants about previous relationships, overboard negativity about your own life, too much disclosure about money or personal finances—when composing your online dating profile. A good rule in determining what kind of content to avoid is a simple reflection on the power of charm.
What kind of people are charming? Generally, they’re positive, friendly, and humble. Charming people have the undeniable ability to attract others to them. They are, simply put, fun to be around. We know each and every person has the ability to be charming. It isn’t particularly difficult. All it takes is a certain level of mindfulness and a little bit of effort. And charm will go a long way with your fellow daters.

 

5 Scientific Reasons to Sleep Butt Naked

Most people are missing out on these health benefits

Only 12 percent of Americans sleep naked, according to a recent poll from the National Sleep Foundation. But that’s a damn shame. Not only does nighttime nudity feel awesome, it’s also good for your health. Here are 5 great reasons to let it all hang out tonight.
You’ll sleep better
Shedding your threads before tucking in will help you snooze more soundly, says Men’s Health sleep advisor W. Christopher Winter, M.D. Your body temperature declines as you doze and climbs before you wake up, but clothing can interfere with this natural fluctuation, Dr. Winter says. The extra insulation can make you too hot as your temperature drops, leading to tossing and turning and waking up sweaty in the middle of the night. Nix the PJs and allow your body temperature to ebb and flow uninterrupted, Dr. Winter says.
You’ll ignite your metabolism
Staying cool throughout the night may help rev your metabolism, according to a 2014 study in the journal Diabetes. Researchers found that when people slept in a chilly room, they produced double the volume of brown fat—a healthy fat stored in your neck that burns calories to generate body heat—compared to when they slept in a warmer room. Keeping your body temperature lower by sleeping nude could produce the same effect, says study author Francesco S. Celi, M.D.
You’ll protect your testicles
Sleeping in your underwear increases the odds that you’ll get an infection in the worst possible place, says Brian Steixner, M.D., a urologist based in Atlantic City, N.J. Your drawers keep heat and moisture in—and bacteria thrive in warm, moist environments, says Dr. Steixner. More bacteria makes for a higher likelihood that any chaffed or irritated skin down there becomes infected, he says. Skip your skivvies to keep your balls cleaner, drier, and healthier.
You’ll nurture your sperm
Your scrotum needs to be just the right temperature in order to optimize sperm production, says Dr. Steixner. That perfect temperature: 95 to 96 degrees, just slightly cooler than the rest of your body. When your testicles are too warm, your sperm quality suffers, according to a Finnish study that tested the semen of men who used saunas. Even tight underwear can be enough to raise your sack’s temperature above the optimum level, Dr. Steixner says. So for the sake of your future children, consider freeballing.
You’ll get closer to your partner
Skin-on-skin contact with another person triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin in your brain, according to Swedish researchers. The chemical reduces stress, makes you feel more connected to your partner, and increases your sex drive, the scientists say. And let’s state the obvious: Brushing up against each other naked in bed often leads to good things. 

 

You Probably Trust Your Computer Way More Than You Trust Your Girlfriend

"We are more willing to spread out personal information across the web than we are to divulge facts to a person we are personally getting to know."

When you’re checking out on Amazon, you don’t hesitate to type all your personal information into the boxes that say, “name,” “address,” and “card number.” Why would you? Amazon is a trusted website, and you want that Game of Thrones box set, dammit. But what if the person asking you for this info was someone you're into? Turns out, you'd be way less comfortable sharing even your last name.A new survey has confirmed what we all know to be universally true: People are more willing to dish out personal details to a nameless, faceless computer than to a person they’re actually dating.The 2,000-person survey from Echoworx found that it takes the average American 20 seconds to figure out if an email in their inbox is safe, 28 seconds to see if an online form is safe to input their personal info, and 31 seconds to decide if a website is legit enough to make purchases from with their credit card. (Try these online shopping hacks to get you a better deal every time.)
The most common reasons for revealing personal info? Making online purchases, applying for a mortgage or insurance, or submitting job applications. (Follow these tips to land your dream job.)
But when it comes to potential partners, people need to go on an average of two and a half dates before they're comfortable enough to even disclose their full name. And it takes an average of four dates before they’re willing to reveal their home address, and six and a half dates before they want to approach things like salary. (However, one in three respondents said that they wouldn’t be comfortable talking to someone about the latter no matter how many dates they’d been on.)
“It’s interesting that we are more willing to spread out personal information across the web than we are to divulge facts to a person we are personally getting to know,” a spokesperson for Echoworx told the New York Post. “It’s not that it should be the opposite, but when it comes to things like your social security number and banking details being shared over online channels, it’s necessary to take care.”

 

8 Reasons Your Online Messages Aren’t Resulting in Dates

There is no denying that it takes true effort to turn online dating messages into face-to-face dates.

This process involves opening up, keeping a conversation going (and interesting), asking solid, engaging questions, and having the courage to ask someone out (or say yes). Most importantly, though, getting a date means the person you are talking to must connect with you in some way.
For many online daters, the course from online messages to actual dating has become a mindless, thoughtless experience, an anxiety-provoking adventure, or an incredibly confusing process. It’s natural to be left wondering what went wrong if messaging appears to be going well and the person you are talking to suddenly goes MIA. Was it something you said (or didn’t say)? Is the other person dealing with some baggage or external life event that has nothing to do with you? Could you have done anything differently to ensure the initial spark or level of interest didn’t fizzle? While you don’t have complete control, you can increase your probability of building a connection by ensuring you are sending high-quality messages and avoiding the eight messaging traps below.
Here are eight reasons your messages may not be resulting in dates:
1. You sound cynical or negative.
While it’s smart to be real and you are allowed to state your thoughts on unpleasant weather, for example, sounding like a Debbie Downer interferes with making a positive first impression. Sounding cynical, depressing, or negative deters potential partners from wanting to get to know you as they are likely to assume you won’t add anything positive to their lives and therefore, don’t see the point of getting to know you. Stay away from complaining about life stresses, such as traffic, illness, work, family, politics, and random disappointments in your messages. Keep your tone upbeat and don’t use messages as a platform to air grievances about your life or the world.
2. You are using messages with new potential partners to trash an ex, complain about your dating life, or ask about their online dating experiences.
It can be tempting to bond with a potential partner over the misery you both may feel being single, or the roller coaster nature of online dating, but this is not a healthy foundation to a relationship. Although these topics may seem to be positive for bonding and creating commonalities at first, it’s your best bet to steer clear of any past relationship talk or negativity around your singlehood. Badmouthing an ex or previous date reflects poorly on you, especially in the early stages of messaging or dating when you are still pretty much strangers.
3. You come off as judgmental or insulting.
If you are using snarky humor or cracking jokes early on without a trusting, solid bond, you are likely to come off as offensive and mean-spirited. Or maybe you turn someone off by responding with a comment that sounds more judgmental than validating. Technology can also blur your intentions and lead to misinterpretation if you aren’t careful. For example, you may believe you are giving a compliment, but if you need to type “I hope I didn’t insult you” at any point in your message, it’s a sign you need to rethink your words and make sure you are being kind and open-minded. It is also insulting to reference sex, overly comment on physical appearance, or make judgments about someone based on the little bit of information an online dating profile provides. Instead of being a total jokester or making assumptions or statements as if you know someone, ask questions with curiosity and interest.
4. You are trying too hard to sell yourself, which makes you appear arrogant or desperate.
It’s natural to want to be liked and understood, but too much selling can do the opposite. Using a phrase like, “I am intelligent, successful, handsome, and generous, but you’ll see this for yourself,” is a no-no. Remember there is a difference between sharing your strengths, accomplishments, and personality traits and bragging, boasting, and announcing your successes in a grandiose or snobby way. If your messages sound more like a sales pitch, suspicious, or disingenuous, you are likely to lose dates.
5. Your messages are way too long and overwhelming for the other person to read and respond to.
While it’s positive you are open to communicating and sharing as the means to getting to know someone, sending messages that read like chapters in a novel or ramble on and on, can lead to a lack of replies. These types of messages can scare off a potential partner or leave them wondering how to respond, especially if there is too much information, oversharing, or numerous questions within one message. Aim to be short and sweet and remind yourself that you don’t have to be overly detailed or share your entire life story. Let the connection grow over time. Think layers!
6. You are barely giving the other person anything to relate to or respond to.
If the person you are messaging with is doing all of the work to keep the connection going, they are likely to give up. They might assume you are not interested, ready, or available or purely be exhausted from attempting to get to know you. It’s important to actively engage and ensure you are not making the other person feel like they are pulling teeth to get you to communicate. If you are shy or reserved, it’s better to be upfront and honest about that than to barely give anything in return without explanation. It’s okay to take your time, but also make sure you are actively participating and pushing yourself to be open and communicative.
7. You make scheduling a date with you way too difficult.
Often I hear clients complain when they hit it off with someone online and then ask for a date and the person says yes, but then makes the logistics nearly impossible to coordinate. Or the person doesn’t give a definite yes, but also doesn’t say no, and just ignores the question altogether. This creates mixed messages, confusion, and is likely to cause a potential connection to fizzle. If you want to go on a date, be willing to show motivation and to help plan something, as well as clearly say yes or be honest about your needs (examples — wanting to schedule a phone call first or spend more time over messaging).
8. You are using generic messages or sending identical messages to multiple people.
If the person you’re chatting with feels you simply copied-and-pasted messages, with little effort on your part, it is unlikely you will get a reply. Instead grab his or her attention with a unique subject line that signals you actually read their profile. Also, be aware that friends may compare online dating messages and even consider dating the same person without initially realizing it, so there’s a good chance you will get caught for sending generic messages in big batches. Do your best to make a genuine effort, get comfortable starting conversations about diverse topics, and lead with what you connected to in an individual profile instead of a cookie-cutter message that reads like spam.
Each time you draft a message and before you hit send, reread it to check your energy, tone, language, length, communication style, openness, etc. and assess how your message may feel to the person receiving it. By avoiding the common explanations for not getting dates listed above, you can take control of your part in getting messages and replies, leading to more dates with your ideal matches.

 

Women on Dating Apps Want Love, Not Hookups

She might be seeking something more serious than you think, a new survey finds

Dating apps like Tinder are supposed to make meeting women—and getting laid—easier than ever, but according to a new survey, there’s a good chance your match might be looking for love instead of lust.
To get to the bottom of how technology has really shaped our sex lives, Clue—a health app for women—teamed up with the sex researchers at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute. The duo surveyed 140,000 people (96 percent of whom were women) in 198 countries about how apps and other forms of tech have impacted their sex lives, health, and relationships.
The researchers found that 34 percent of Americans have used apps to find sexual or romantic partners—but casual hookups aren’t the only type of relationship women are seeking. Of all the people surveyed, 15 percent reported using apps to find a partner, compared to only 10 percent looking for one-night stands.
When you break the results down to just American respondents, 36 percent of people said they were looking for either a short or long term relationship, 11 percent were cool with one-night stands, and 9 percent wanted to find regular sex with no romantic connection.
The least desired relationship? Friends with benefits.
Ironically, men are much more likely to use dating apps to improve their sexual relationships, the survey found.
Now, clearly some women are looking for casual sex when they’re swiping right. It’s up to you to find out if she wants something more. Bottom line? Don’t immediately expect sex on the first date because you met through an app.
That’s assuming you land a date in the first place. Can’t seem to score a one-on-one? Here’s why she’s not messaging you back on Tinder—and what you can do about it.

 

Want to Be Happier? Take Your Clothes Off

Science says nudity could make you feel better about your body and your life

Ever let it all hang out on a nude beach? There’s a reason those people are all smiles: Being naked around other people might make you happier, according to a new study from Goldsmiths, University of London.
Researchers surveyed 849 people, and found that those who had spent time in the nude outdoors or with other people—sorry, your girlfriend or family doesn’t count—reported they were happier, felt better about their bodies, and had higher self-esteem than those who didn’t shed their clothes.
Then they did two more experiments, but this time they talked to people before and after they participated in an actual nudist event. The results were similar: Study participants reported improvements on those same wellbeing measures afterwards.
“What we found was a very good correlation, that generally, if you did these activities, the longer you did them and the more frequently you did them, the happier you were about all of these things,” explains study author Keon West, Ph.D., in a video produced by the university.
What’s more, seeing other people naked predicted a more positive body image than being seen naked by others, the study authors wrote. And no, it’s not because you get to stare at a bunch of butts.
According to one participant, seeing other people with “normal, not perfect” bodies helped ease the insecurities they felt toward their own.
So while more research needs to be done to confirm exactly why nudity could make us happier, the findings have the potential to help those with body image problems in the future, West explains.

 

5 Ways to Satisfy Any Woman

I was having a conversation with a guy the other day—and although this conversation may have taken place over copious amounts of beer, it was a very intriguing one, and I remember it clearly.I was having a conversation with a guy the other day—and although this conversation may have taken place over copious amounts of beer, it was a very intriguing one, and I remember it clearly. Can’t say much more for the rest of that day/evening.

This guy confessed that he had a rule in the bedroom: “The girl has to come first.” While I was at first charmed by his need to please a woman and put her needs before his own, I was also nervous at the thought of being the girl under that rule! The whole “who comes first” situation is a tricky one.
Take scenario A for example: You're nearing the peak and hoping your lady is at the same point. Pressure her to get there with you, and you run the risk of taking the pleasure out of it for her. Here’s a secret: That pressure to cum on cue is a big reason why women fake it.
Or scenario B: What guy wants to burst his joy too soon? This has been thought to be one of the worst things that can happen to a man in the moment.
After all, don’t women want to be pleased every time? Haven’t you been guided through many articles about the importance of pleasing her to first?
I’m guessing that for some guys, this leads to relentless worry of climaxing too soon—ahead of your lady, with images of her turning her head unsatisfied after you’ve finished.
While I can’t put myself in your shoes in that situation, I can tell you how I see it. And it might surprise you—or at least give you some relief. (Ahem.)
1. As expected—and cheesy as it may sound—we women like the experience of sex. We like the intimacy. We love to feel your body against ours. We love to feel like you want to explore and enjoy every inch of us. We love to feel completely desired. I am telling you that this alone fulfills a need for us that may be difficult to express. (#) We want to know that you want to take the time to make out with us and to partake in foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to equal an orgasm though!
2. If you pressure me, I will probably just fake it because I don’t want to deflate your ego. Honestly. Sometimes we just can’t get there, ya know? Just the same as you, right? (##) Hey, it depends on the day, what happened at work, where I am hormonally, and how sexy I am feeling. Adding the pressure—the pre-determined rule that she must come first—completely breaks the mood and, most times, any chance of me having the mind blowing orgasm you had hoped for.
3. Take it as it happens. So what if you blow your love joy super quick—find a way to redeem yourself. You shouldn’t be approaching sex with the anticipated notion that both parties are going to orgasm. Yes, in a perfect world, that would happen. But frankly, it just doesn’t. You know in the movies when the couple climax at the same time in unison and complete satisfaction? That’s bullshit. I mean this genuinely: Just enjoy the moments. Make her feel wanted, and give her the intimacy she craves. There can be genuine satisfaction in knowing that you have lost control over her. (###)
4. If you want a girl to climax, make it about her. We like to feel special, so surprise us after work with a massive makeout session and some serious oral action. Don’t make it clearly about wanting to please her—just please her and keep your boy out of it. When it comes to sex, saying things doesn’t always help—doing things does. So when you say, “I am going to make you orgasm,” you’re not helping yourself—or us. Although we appreciate your tenacity and determination, you should probably just make us climax—and not give us the play-by-play. (####)
5. Give her what she needs. I am not an extreme cuddler, but I can appreciate the brief, genuine cuddle session after loads have been blown (or not blown). Don't jump out of bed to air your unit in front of the air conditioner, (#####) and run off to play video games. Clean up and settle in for a second. That is what she needs. She needs you to give her that little bit of time without your joystick jabbing her in the crotch, even if just for a very brief moment. Hey! This could also be the perfect time to talk to her and get to know what makes her tick! Communication is hot. Your end game is to make her feel amazing, right?(######)
From the Peanut Gallery
#—OK, that’s great to hear. But to be clear, misguided or not, plenty of us guys are just overcorrecting for all the cavemen out there who take the “slam, bam, thank you ma’am” approach that so many women complain about! (And believe us, lots of women complain!)

##—What?

###—Duly noted.

####—In other words: “Shut up and get to work, boy!”

#####—Good lord, Kate, what kind of freaks have you been dating?

######—That makes at least two really good points in one blog post, Kate! A record!

'Should You Date Nate' Is a Prime Example of What Not to Do to Get Laid

Take it down a notch or ten, Nate

There's no sugar-coating it: Dating is tough. You can put yourself out there openly, honestly, and confidently in hopes of meeting your soulmate, but there's no guarantee that the universe will reciprocate your efforts. Still, there is a limit to just how direct you should be when you're first trying to meet that perfect partner, and our friend Nate here seems to have found that threshold.
Nate is an accomplished man, you see, but not a terribly nuanced one. Rather than, say, leaving some of himself to the imagination, Nate decided to create a personal website—the aptly-named shouldyoudatenate.com—to help him in his quest to find the love of his life. The website is a feature-length résumé on his professional accomplishments, personal goals, preferences in a partner, you name it. For examples, he's a libertarian and a hard-working entrepreneur; he loves meditating; he considers himself an outsider; and he's 6'4", as he so proudly boasts at the top of the page.
Most important, though, he's offering a free, three-day vacation to the interested woman who sends him a message and strikes his fancy. Ladies, if this manifesto didn't leave you completely weirded out by its conclusion, then you may simply win the prize by default. Needless to say, Nate's attempt at attracting "the One" comes off as, well, a little much. This is certainly one way to earn the attention of the opposite sex, but it doesn't strike us as the most effective method.
But, hey, as Nate himself says, "If you go through your whole life being comfortable, you're doing it wrong." Which is true enough, but we'll also point out that being uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean you're doing it right.

15 Ways to Get a Closed-Off Person to Open Up

You’ve heard it said many times that communication is crucial for good relationships. Few people would disagree that open, honest communication is important—but that doesn’t mean everyone is willing or able to talk effectively.

So what happens when your friend or love isn’t open and you’re having trouble coaxing the words out? Try these strategies:
1. If this person is a clam, don’t be a crowbar. In other words, prying someone open usually doesn’t work. It will get you nowhere to demand, plead, or threaten. A gentler approach will get you much further.
2. Realize that for many people, being open is scary. Closed-off people are convinced that being vulnerable invites judgment or rejection.
3. Create a safe environment. Getting someone to open up has everything to do with that person feeling safe and secure.
4. Understand that some closed-off people have hidden wounds. A difficult upbringing or past romantic disasters may have contributed to the fear of being open.
5. Recognize that everyone is wired differently. Each person falls somewhere on the continuum of extrovert and introvert, guarded and transparent. This doesn’t mean that someone naturally closed off can’t learn to open up—but it helps for you to understand that person’s basic temperament.
6. Be an ally, not an adversary. It can be frustrating when someone you love refuses to open up to you. Don’t let frustration become another barrier.
7. Express what openness means to you. Say something like, “Our relationship is so important to me. I want to us to have the closest relationship possible.”
8. Take time for togetherness. Many people need time—lots of it—to feel the freedom to open up.
9. Know that nagging will get you nowhere. When we see someone we love struggling to open up, we want to help—and that desire to help can sometimes cause us to nag and nudge. Doing so will only leave you both frustrated.
10. Set the tone. Make sure the context and conditions are right for open communication.
11. Emphasize empathy. Convey to this person that you “get” what he’s saying and you identify with his feelings.
12. Be a “role model.” Verbalize your own thoughts and feelings, and then allow plenty of space for them to do the same.
13. Accentuate affirmation. Any time he or she makes the effort to be transparent with you, make sure you convey how much you appreciate it.
14. Meet halfway. It’s not realistic or fair to expect anyone to immediately move from closed to totally open. Be satisfied with small steps forward.
15. Employ all of your listening skills. No one is going to be open with you unless he knows he has your full and undivided attention.

7 Ridiculously Simple Things You Can Do to Make Your Partner Happy

These actions may seem small, but she appreciates them the most

Whether you just started dating or she doesn’t flinch when you fart anymore, chances are the moments that make you appreciate your relationship aren’t grand romantic gestures.
It’s the little moments in a relationship that mean the most, says Jennifer Freed, Ph.D., a relationship and family therapist.
For ideas, we turned to seven women who are happy in their long-term relationships. Here’s the number one thing their partners do to make them swoon. 
LEAVE HER NOTES
“My husband and I have been married for more than five years and dated for six years before that. You would think that our relationship would get boring by now, but he reminds me he loves me by writing love notes and putting them in my lunch bag each day. I usually make my lunch before going to bed and somehow he always sneaks it in.” —Denise W., 38
MAKE HER LAUGH
“I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and I still get a good laugh from the videos he sends me of himself via Snapchat. And it’s not even like he’s trying to make me laugh. I just love him so much that I crack up out of adoration.” —Kelly W., 26
MAKE OUT WITH HER
“We have been married for 10 years and every night our bedtime ritual is to make out like we’re teenagers. We’ve done this on nights when we were incredibly tired and when we were mad at each other. It’s the best. It’s a good reminder of how amazing our relationship is.” —Wendy D., 36
LISTEN TO HER
“When something is bothering me, my boyfriend never fails to give me his full attention. He puts his cellphone down and actively listens to me speak. That shows me how much he cares about me.” —Jackie G., 31
GIVE HER PERSONAL SPACE
“My boyfriend and I just started living together after a year of dating. It’s hard to go from living alone to living with another person, especially since our new apartment is tiny. When I just need some space, I never have to ask for it. He always senses it and goes out for a walk. I know that living together will just keep getting easier.” —Connie S., 27
LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
“My boyfriend lives with three guys and reminds them to keep the toilet seat down when I’m over. It makes me laugh because I never asked him to do that, but he just goes above and beyond to make me feel comfortable.” —Erin A., 25
CALL HER MOM
“My husband calls my mom every week. He has such a good relationship with her and always calls to check up because she’s older and lives alone. It reminds me how much of a caring person he is.” —Hilary W., 37

The 5 Best First Date Tips

One type of restaurant could increase your chances of seeing her again by 170 percent

If there’s a scientific formula for a successful first date, this is it: Researchers surveyed more than 2,000 people about what happened on their first dates—and whether those dates led to something more—for Match.com’s annual Singles in America report.
It turns out that certain locations, conversation topics, and even types of cuisine can significantly impact how well your date goes. Work one, two, or all five of these factors into your next first date.
FIND HER ON THE INTERNET
Couples who meet online are 78 percent more likely to make it to date two than people who come together through mutual friends, the study finds.
That’s because most people who use online dating tend to be serious about finding a partner, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., chief scientific advisor for Match and author of Anatomy of Love. It takes effort to use most dating sites, so users are invested in making it pay off.
STICK TO DINNER
Taking her to a restaurant may seem unimaginative, but it doubles your odds of seeing her again compared to a more creative outing like a hike or a museum.
Dinner is ideal for a first date because it helps you get to know each other, says Fisher. You’re focused on the conversation, rather than an activity.
“By sitting opposite them, making eye contact, listening to their voice, seeing how they smile, seeing how they listen to you, you can really find out who the person is,” says Fisher.
BETTER YET, MAKE IT A SUSHI PLACE
People who go to sushi restaurants are 170 percent more likely to get second dates than people who have American cuisine, the study finds.
The researchers were stunned at how strong the connection was, so they did some digging for possible explanations in the food itself.
“Fatty fish like tuna and salmon contain omega-3s, which ups circulation and alertness,” Fisher says. “Seaweed has iodine, which can trigger testosterone and sex drive. And wasabi increases your heart rate and can make you flush.”
These physiological changes could make both of you feel more excited during the date.
Another possible reason: People tend to share sushi, rather than just eating off their own plates. That promotes bonding, she says.
TALK ABOUT TRUMP
You’d think that debating politics with someone you barely know would make for a disaster, but it actually boosts your chances for a second date by 91 percent.
It doesn’t even matter what your opinion is—as long as you have one and can express it respectfully, says Fisher.
Being able to discuss a contentious issue with a level head proves that you’re kind, tolerant, flexible, and empathetic—all qualities that are pure gold to a potential partner, she says. You can also try these Best Questions to Ask On a First Date.
DON’T LINGER TOO LONG
Your odds for a second date start to dwindle if the outing lasts for more than 2 hours and 15 minutes, according to the Match data. It could be that talking to anyone for that long gets tedious, says Fisher.
So part ways before she’s exhausted. Plan a date that includes dinner and one nightcap. But then politely ask her if you can call her a cab or walk her home.

8 Women Reveal the Absolute Worst Ways Men Have Tried to Hit On Them

These are the deal-breakers you need to avoid

When you see someone new that you’re into, you have to approach them somehow. And, of course, it can be kind of nerve-wracking.
Most people aren’t receptive to pickup lines (unless, of course, they’re clearly a joke) and there’s no guarantee that what’s worked for you in the past will fly in the future. No one’s saying it’s easy, but sometimes a simple “hi” or “Can I buy you a drink?” can get you pretty far.
If you’re really interested in someone, it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to screw things up—and one Reddit user is helping you out with the question, “Women of Reddit, what was the worst thing a man has ever told you in an attempt to hit on/flirt with you?” The answers are amazing in the sense that they are jaw-dropping.
Sure, it's super unlikely you would ever say something this lame, but just in case, here are a few things you should definitely keep out of your pickup game.
DEAL BREAKER #1: BEING SUPER AGGRESSIVE
“Asked a bartender I work with that question a few years back. She had a kid and was single, and a guy asked her if he could ‘eat her out while rubbing Shea butter over her stretch marks.’ So probably that.” —elephant_on_parade
DEAL BREAKER #2: GIVING A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT
“A guy told me he was done going out with attractive women and now just wanted to date someone nice instead. Thanks buddy.” —thegirlwholikescats
DEAL BREAKER #3: STRAIGHT-UP LYING
“I had a guy tell me he worked for the county CIA. Pretty sure that's not a thing.” —Ames0805
DEAL BREAKER #4: GETTING WAY AHEAD OF YOURSELF
"’I've never f—ed a redhead before.’ -guy who did not f—k me.” —CarWashRedhead
DEAL BREAKER #5: REFERENCING DATE RAPE
“I was at a bar with one of my friends and the guy sitting next to me taps me on the shoulder and says that the bartender accidentally gave him an extra drink and he wanted to know if I wanted it. I told him no thanks, I have a drink. He told me he didn't want to waste his money since he was charged for it so I told him to give it to one of his friends next to him. He then laughed and said ‘Why won't you take it? Its not like I'm gonna rape you or anything, I promise its not roofied.’ We left quickly.” —bottle_rockets
DEAL BREAKER #6: PHYSICALLY INCAPACITATING HER
“He stole the crutches I needed due to a dislocated kneecap and told me ‘well you can't run away from me now.’" —firestick_and_dick
DEAL BREAKER #7: FLAT-OUT INSULTING HER
"If it weren't for your belly you'd be smokin' hot!" —BeckyDaTechie
DEAL BREAKER #8: BEING A TOTAL CREEP
“Upon finding out that I can't drink because of a medical issue, a guy told me: ‘It must be hard for a guy to flirt with you considering he can't get you drunk and stupid.’ Thanks?” —SalemScout

The First Thing You Must Do in Bed

Check this off and it'll make the rest of your romp better

Generosity for the win: Focusing on what she craves in the sack also increases your arousal, says research in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.
Researchers studied “sexual communal strength”—the willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs—in long-term couples. Both parties filled out daily sex surveys for 3 weeks. Four months later, generous lovers  reported higher levels of daily arousal AND more desire for their partner than the less-generous couples.
"There's a lot of research out there that suggests giving to others is good for the self," says lead study author Amy Muise, Ph.D., of the University of Toronto, and that effect is even stronger with a romantic partner. Plus, Muise says, knowing you can satisfy your partner's needs is a major confidence booster.
But zeroing in on her desires at the exclusion of your own won't deliver the same outcome, says Muise. The solution: Aim for compromise. If you usually perform oral sex on her because she loves to incorporate it into foreplay, see if she's up for something you want, like shower sex or a morning quickie before work. That way you'll both feel accounted for, Muise says.

Here's the Major Reason Why Dating Apps Aren't Working for You

A new study says that apps that uses sophisticated algorithms to determine compatibility are less reliable than you think

If you've ever gone a date with someone you met online and they rejected you by saying, "it's not you, it's me," we have good news: they weren't lying, and it might not have been your fault. In fact, the authors of an August study have determined that dating app algorithms basically can't predict compatibility at all.
The authors of the Psychological Science study tested their own questionnaire-based attraction algorithm and discovered that their well-educated guesses couldn’t predict anything about what would happen after two strangers actually met for the first time.
To find out whether algorithms could predict mutual attraction, the researchers used 100 self-reported traits and partner preferences (for instance, "I enjoy binge-watching Game of Thrones") to predict a degree of variance in the choices of two strangers who then met in real life for four-minute speed dates. While the researchers didn’t specify whether the algorithm was based on a particular dating app, it sounds pretty similar to the one used by OKCupid, which uses a complex set of data to determine your compatibility with another user. (Here are the biggest mistakes you're making on Tinder, by the way.)
Using the statistical model, the researchers were able to predict fairly well the degree to which someone desired another person, and they were also able to somewhat accurately predict the degree to which someone else liked them. However, after researchers talked to both parties after the date ended, their responses were completely unpredictable, especially when it came to determining whether they were interested in pursuing a relationship with each other.
Dating apps and websites often boast about the efficacy of these secret sauce algorithms. But when you actually compare an algorithm’s predictions and speed daters' actual assessments of each other, it's clear that all the swiping in the world isn't all that effective. So basically, if you really want to use dating apps, don’t put too much stock in personalized questionnaires that promise to find your Mrs. or Mr. Right.

7 Creepy Things You Should Never Do When You Meet a Woman

This stuff should be obvious, but judging by this reddit thread, it's not

When you're meeting a woman for the first time, it shouldn't be hard to strike up a simple conversation that doesn't weird her out. Unfortunately, some guys seem to be missing the mark.
That's the only possible conclusion we can draw from a recent reddit thread that asked: "Women, what are common ways unfamiliar men make you uncomfortable or creeped out?" The questioned garnered thousands of responses with tales of intolerable behavior from men, and we've collected some of them here so you can make sure you never, ever follow in their footsteps.
Just stop catcalling. It never, ever works.
From socampo32214: "A stranger cat calling me from his truck the other day when I was driving home. He would speed up or slow down to keep pace with me. Yelling at me through his window and honking his horn. I was finally able to slam on my brakes and he stopped, but how annoying. I'm in Texas and I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to someone because we like our self defense weapons here."
Don't make jokes about a woman’s ethnicity.
From Anomalous_Amygdalae: "Make creepy comments/assumptions because of my ethnicity. When I tell some men about my nationality they go: Ooooooh Latina... And make weird comments involving the word 'Caliente'... Asking me if I like to dance reggueaton (while being in a work environment), as if by being reminded of my heritage, I'll suddenly snap and go Shakira on their dick."
Never touch a woman unless you’re explicitly invited to.
From Corrievrechan: “Overly familiar touching. For instance, I was doing First Aid training in a pretty small class. Just me, one male and one female teacher, and two guys who were also in training. One of the guys would do stuff like put his arm around my waist or shoulder while one of the teachers was talking. I was 15, he was 17 or 18, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I didn't know him at all, and we had barely spoken to each other. I never said anything about it, just waited for the class to end so I would never have to see him again. These days I would yell at a guy who tried that.”
Don't be a social media stalker.
From timmehjimmeh7: "I'm not sure how common this is, but when I took my car in to my dealership for my service, I gave my keys to the mechanic and went inside to wait without saying anything to him. Late that day, I got a friend request on social media. He had apparently taken my professional car file to figure out who I was and find me. This file also has my address and phone, so I was pretty worried and creeped out."
Don't hug when a handshake is more appropriate.
From griffalow: "I work in the television industry and often find myself working with all male crews when filming on location. Most of the men greet each other by hand-shaking, but when it comes to greeting me, nine times out of ten they go in for a hug or kiss on the cheek. It makes me feel as though they're seeing me differently to other members of the crew and that's the part that makes me feel uncomfortable. I obviously want to be viewed as equal, and even though it's a small thing it makes me realize that I'm being seen as different because of my gender. Anyone else experienced this too?"
Don't stare at women's chest. It's rude and creepy—and they know you're doing it.
From Tiredofstandingstill: "When they talk to you and try to look you in the eye but keep glancing at your boobs. I'm not blind and I never have my cleavage out, probably due to people just staring, so now I wear t-shirts with a jumper or coat on and you still catch them trying to look. Pisses me off, I'm covered up and they still perv."
If she's wearing headphones, she doesn't want to talk to you about anything—and certainly not about marriage.
From sociablebot: "One of the worst transit experiences I've had was with someone like this. I was wearing headphones, had my backpack in my seat next to me, and was playing Animal Crossing on my [Nintendo] 3DS. When he asked to sit next to me, I moved my bag because that's what you do on a bus that always gets super crowded even though there were other available seats at the time.
He waited until the bus went express and then starts talking to me. I kept one earbud in and kept playing my game and just giving the same non-answer to everything he asked me. He went from just telling me things about his life to asking about my opinion on arranged marriages and how he should talk to my dad to arrange a marriage with me. Right before he got off, he asked for my Facebook. I told him I didn't believe in social media. I was planning my exit strategy and was going to get off before my stop and go into a building I knew I could get help at. Thankfully he got off a stop before that."

Are You Datable or Are You a Fling?

Our sex and relationships writer breaks it down

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to make relationships out of booty calls. Because all great relationships are built on a foundation of phenomenal sex and the occasional inside joke, right? (RIGHT?!) I mean, if you’re making me orgasm multiple times a week, why wouldn’t I want to keep you around long term and try to build a solid, lasting relationship with openness, honesty, and commitment. I can totally tell you’d be good at that while your head is between my legs...
Or so I though. Turns out, as I’m coming upon the crest of 30, just because he’s hot and his junk gets hard, doesn’t actually make him “boyfriend material.” Go figure. This may be the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my 20s. So what then does make a man a potential Mr. Right, versus a potential Mr. Right Now? And which of these two men do you want to be?
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE DATEABLE
To find out, let’s go through the checklist. There are a few key items that women look for when going to enter into a serious relationship. Run down this list and see where you fall. (Note: Phenomenal sex IS a great indicator of a solid relationship, but these other things should probably be in place, too.)
DO YOU HAVE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE?
Don’t freak out! I’m not talking about crushing it at the gym six days a week and subsisting solely on boiled chicken breast and protein shakes. Healthy lifestyle means, at the most basic level, do you get up and go to work every day without the lingering scent of booze? Do you pay your bills on time? Do you go to the doctor and at the bare minimum take the measures to ensure you won’t drop dead at 45? Basically, are you a functioning and contributing member of society? If so, congratulations. Consider your lifestyle healthy.
DOES YOUR DAY HAVE STRUCTURE?
A man who is dateable has some sort of routine to his day, even if that is as simple as he tries to make it to the gym at some point. Structure doesn’t have to mean boring and predictable. He doesn’t have to roll into work at 9:03 and roll out at 5:32 five days a week, nor does he have to have his usual table at Applebee’s. But a modicum of reliability says a lot to a woman who is looking to have a relationship. Can you keep appointments? Can you show up on time? Do you have things that are important to you throughout the day that keep you motivated and focused? Passion, interests, and looking at ways to further them says a lot about the dateability of a man.
DO YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY?
Everyone has family baggage and drama. It’s what makes us interesting, and it’s what makes us human. Having issues with your family is entirely normal, and, in fact, expected. But on the whole do you have a relationship with your family? Do you speak to them and visit them somewhat regularly? Not everyone does have a great relationship with their family, for a variety of reasons, so that’s where friendships come into play. A man who is dateable has a strong circle of friends, or at least one or two on whom he can truly rely. Being a loner doesn’t disqualify you from the dateable pool, but it’s important to have at least one or two other people in your world who would care if you went missing for a couple of days.
ARE YOU COMPASSIONATE?
I wish this went without saying but someone who is dateable shows sympathy and empathy for others. The ability to put yourself in another’s shoes can go very, very far in a relationship, especially when the going gets rough (which, spoiler alert: it often does). Can you fight with your girlfriend in a healthy manner, meaning, after spewing your points and getting angry, can you go back and look at it from her perspective? Can you own where you went wrong, and can you apologize?
ARE YOU AWARE OF YOUR ISSUES?
No one (I repeat, no one) comes without issues. If you want a partner without issues, I strongly consider investing in an inflatable one. Whether we have phobia of commitment, jealousy problems, trust issues, etc. etc., no adult comes without an instruction manual. A man who is dateable, however, has a firm grasp on said manual and is ready to help with any troubleshooting or customer support. If you are a jealous guy, own it. If you have a fear of commitment, use your words and convey that to your prospective partner. It’s okay to be your flawed and wonderful self, but be aware of your drama so that you can explain to your partner how to decode you. Opening up about your issues and communicating them demonstrate that you have an enlightened sense of self and are interested in being close to another human being.
ARE YOU AMENABLE TO FIXING SAID ISSUES?
Some issues we can deal with, and others get in the way of lasting, healthy relationships. Kudos to you if you know what your issues are, but are you amenable to change and compromise? Your issues might not gel with her issues, and vice versa. But if you can strike a balance and find a way to make them jive together, you’ll be a lot happier in the long run.
ARE YOU WILLING TO ALLOW HER INTO YOUR LIFE?
At a certain age, we all have our lives the way we like them (for the most part). We have our routines, we have our comforts, and we have what we like. A man who is dateable, however, is flexible enough to adjust his precious routine to accommodate a new human within it, and is able to find a way to fit snugly into her life, as well.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE JUST A FLING?
Does your penis work? Do you not meet any other requirement on this list? Congratulations. You are just a fling.

5 Date Ideas That Are Better Than Dinner

Scrap the same old boring restaurant dates in favor of something that’s actually fun?

If you ask a woman about her most memorable date ever, chances are she’s not going to mention a dinner. No matter how good the food is, there’s only so much fun you can have when you’re staring at someone across a white tablecloth. For the 800th time. No, the best dates involve some kind of actual activity beyond chewing—a friendly competition, a physical challenge, something that gets her laughing and her blood pumping. So I poured my friends some wine and interrogated them about the best dates they’ve ever been treated to, and will share the smartest ideas here. Next time you really want to impress a lady, try one of these options.
ICE SKATING
Yes, even if you both suck at it—especially if you both suck at it. Really, any activity intended for children ages 9 and under makes for an amazing date. Mini golf, batting cages, go karts, laser tag. It may sound ridiculous for two adults but that’s the point. I dare anyone to flail around an ice skating rink dodging first graders and not have an awesome time. She’ll laugh her ass off and you’ll be the creative guy with a better idea than yet another steak dinner. Afterward, catch your breath at a diner or some other casual joint. Make sure you wear some cologne, so she’ll smell your fresh Invictus fragrance, not the sweat your worked up earlier.
THE ULTIMATE NIGHT IN
OK, so technically this is dinner, but it’s way better than your typical restaurant date. Step 1: Identify her favorite dish—maybe she always orders the cassoulet at that fancy French restaurant you take her to on special occasions, for example. Step 2: Find the recipe. For maximum brownie points, call that French restaurant and beg them for the recipe. Failing that, use Google to find something similar. Step 3: Surprise her with a basket of everything you need for the ultimate date night in: A nice card with the recipe on it, all the ingredients, a candle, wine, and a special gift for her, like this sensual Olympéa perfume.
LEARN EACH OTHER’S HOBBIES
Maybe you’re a fisherman, or she’s a skier. Whatever it is, set a date to have her teach you about what she loves (and schedule another date for your favorite hobby). It’ll be endearing to see her in her element, and vice versa. Plus, by actively trying to learn and understand, it’ll show you care about her. The “teaching” can get intimate, too, which is never a bad thing.
My friend Jen’s boyfriend took her to a gun range on their second date. “It was oddly romantic,” she says. “He showed me how to properly hold the guns, how to stand and brace, and he was so proud when I did well.” (Note: Not every girl is as game as Jen to go to a gun range. Make sure you ask, don’t tell, her about this date idea.)
BASEBALL GAME
This makes for a great first or second date—provided she has at least a passing interest in sports and/or sitting in the sunshine with a beer. Baseball is slow enough to give you plenty of time to have get-to-know-you conversation, but without any awkward pauses, because there’s always a game to watch. Plus there’s none of the stiff formality of an upscale restaurant. Casual settings always make for easier conversation.
SURPRISE EXCURSION
Tell her to meet you at 9 a.m. but don’t tell her what for. Then surprise her with day exploring a locale an hour or so away. Maybe it’s the wine country upstate, a beach town she’s never been to, or hell, even a neighborhood in your city that you’ve always meant to check out. Wherever you are, there's probably a place within a 30- to 40-mile radius with something fun to offer, even if it’s just novelty. Pick one, and plan to spend the day wandering and exploring what the region has to offer. Even if it’s a podunk place with nothing but a rundown coffee shop, it'll give you both a sense of adventure.

9 Things Happy Couples Always Do Before Bed

"I honestly believe that if you go too long without sex, it can severely damage the connection in a relationship."

Routines get a bad rep when it comes to romance. (Cue images of eating dinner in front of the TV and passing out before you can even think about getting frisky.) But that's not necessarily the case. Plenty of happy couples will tell you that routine isn't the enemy—in fact, establishing a nightly habit can help strengthen your bond and make you even happier. As counterintuitive as it may sound, the secret to staying out of a relationship rut might actually be to establish a daily routine.
To dig a little deeper, we asked real women about the evening habits that help keep their relationships going strong. Their tried-and-true nightly activities are just a few examples of one or two things you can do to strengthen your own relationship. The benefits may surprise you.
1. Treat each other.
“Almost every night, we have ice cream or frozen yogurt treats. It's a little thing to see who volunteers to go downstairs and to the back of our big old house to the freezer to get them each night. Partway through whatever we’re watching that evening, one of us will ask, ‘Did you say something about popsicles?’ and the other will make the trek downstairs to the freezer where we keep a stock of frozen treats, and grab a surprise for the other. We settle in on the couch with our popsicles and our pups and just enjoy the downtime together. After 20 years of marriage, it's as much about the everyday tiny things as it is the grand gestures—if not more so!" —Dana, M., married 20 years
2. Take a stroll.
"We normally spend all our evenings together. We both work at home and a 45-minute walk through the neighborhood is a good end to the work day and start to the evening." —Linda M., married 16 years
3. Get it on.
“If we've gone more than a week without having sex, we both make a point to make time for that. I honestly believe that if you go too long without sex (like more than two to three weeks unless you physically can’t, due to illness or being apart) it can severely damage the connection in a relationship. Even when I couldn't have vaginal intercourse after giving birth, I think we probably waited only two to three weeks and then, let's just say, we got creative with non-vaginal sex...” —Kaitlin S., married six years
4. Spend quality time in the kitchen.
“Every night we cook dinner together—or at least keep one another company while the other cooks. When one of us gets home, the other always fixes the other a drink (usually not alcoholic, could just be sparkling water with lemon!) and for some reason that always feels like a nice way to start the evening.” —Ashley W., married two years
5. Turn TV time into together time.
“Our weekday evening habits are to watch the evening news with a plate of olives and other noshes then have dinner. Afterward, we watch TV. I love our binges! It still feels like a real treat to sit and watch and snuggle.” —Lisa D., married six years
6. Make time together a “chore.”
“When schedules get busy and we are coming home and eating at different times, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of launching into tasks. These bills need to get paid, this mail needs to get sorted, these dishes need to be washed. We try to make sure that some together time is also on the agenda.” —Naomi N., married six months
7. Make pillow talk more meaningful.
“At bedtime, we each share what our three best memories are from the day and one thing that we are grateful for. We also sleep holding hands.” —Echo G., married 35 years
8. Tuck each other in.
“We usually go to bed at the same time, but on the nights we don't, the person staying up always tucks the other in. It sounds really silly, but it's something sweet and simple we do for each other. It helps us connect—especially when we’re both swamped with work. —Kelli B., married one year
9. Schedule a regular night out.
“I never really understood the concept of having regular "date nights" after marriage, but now I totally get it! Going out really encourages conversation and forces you to relax and just spend time together in a way you don't when you're sitting around at home. I love having dinner at home with my husband, but there's a huge difference between eating and then quickly getting up to do the dishes and clean up as compared to just enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant. I think doing fun things together is a great way to keep your marriage enjoyable and healthy.” —Zara H., married one year

7 Places She Wants You to Kiss—Besides Her Lips

There’s a lot more to explore than just her mouth

Her luscious lips are hard to resist, but she can tire of make-out sessions.
“Women like kissing because it is an emotionally intimate act,” says Jill Weber, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy.
So if you want to get closer as a couple, get out of the habit of attacking her mouth and lay romantic lip caresses on her most sensitive areas. 
NAPE OF THE NECK
You know she likes you to start at her neck—there’s a certain vulnerability that drives her wild.
“Lift her hair if it’s long and kiss and gently nibble the area from the hairline right down to the collar bone. It’s sure to produce goose bumps every time,” says Jennifer Landa, M.D., and author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women.
SMALL OF THE BACK
“This is where all the nerves for the genitals originate, so stimulation of the lower back with massage and kissing and nibbling is a great way to stimulate the area,” says Dr. Landa.It’s also why she loves it when you place your hand on the small of her back when you’re out together—it’s an intimate, sexy gesture that makes a woman feel hot without it seeming out of the ordinary, she says.
FOREHEAD
You may not find a sweeter spot for her emotions than here. “What woman doesn’t want to get a loving kiss from a man who loves her brain? It’s a huge self-confidence builder, a soother, and a make-her-legs-weak, strong-man move,” says Walsh.
It might not be the thing to do in the bedroom—you’ll want to focus on other areas at that point—but she’ll appreciate when you pull her close and plant one on her head after a long day at work.
FINGERS
Fingertips have a huge concentration of nerve endings, making them sensitive to anything from little pecks to a long suck.
“When you suck and lick her fingers, she gets an idea of your oral skills and pictures what it might be like when you lick and suck her more intimate areas,” says Dr. Landa.
NIPPLES
“Sucking on her nipples releases the hormone oxytocin, called ‘the love hormone,’ because it makes people feel more bonded,” says Landa. “The nipples seem to have a hotline to the genitals, and for some women nipple stimulation will send an impulse right to her clitoris.”
Don’t forget you can score points by showing some love to the rest of her breast, too. Know these five facts about her breasts as well.
EARS
Her ears may be quite sensitive to light licking and sucking because of all the supersensitive nerve endings there. “Most women are quite sensitive to auditory stimulation,” says Landa. “So while you suck her ear be sure to use the opportunity to whisper something about how attracted you are to her and what you’d like to do to her after you finish nibbling her lobes.”
You can also try pursing your lips and blowing cool air to counteract the hot breath from your whispers.
CLITORIS
Once you land here, you’ve reached the point of no return. “There are over 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris alone, compared to a man’s mere 4,000 in the penis,” says Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

7 Ways to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Less Self-Conscious In Bed

If you give her what she needs, trust us— she'll return the favor

Let's get one thing straight: Missionary sex is awesome. There’s something satisfying and comforting about relying on a position that you've done a thousand times before. But for many of us out there, there are a million things we want to do in bed that we just haven't yet. Maybe you want to do it on the kitchen counter, or maybe you have a secret spanking fetish that you’re just itching to try out. But if your girlfriend's sexual tastes tend to skew more vanilla than Chunky Monkey, it might be hard to approach this topic, lest you insult her or, even worse, scare her away.
If you’re looking to up the ante between the sheets, here are a few tips on how to spice it up to suit your tastes, while at the same time making sure she feels safe and comfortable.
1) Make her feel sexy.
It might go without saying, but let’s say it anyway. If you want your lady to do sexy things, you have to make her feel sexy. Chances are you already feel like she's incredibly sexy, but a little compliment goes a long way. The sexier and more empowered she feels, the more likely she’ll be confident enough to try new things. (And for tips on what you actually should be trying, check out 7 things women wish you knew about sex.)
“Compliment her butt, her breasts, her hair, her eyes — all of the specific areas of her body you love. Of course she is so much more than her glorious body parts, but if you want more adventurous sex, keep the talk unabashedly sexy,” says Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist.
2) Pace yourself.
Jumping right in and telling your girlfriend you’re super interested in trying butt stuff will almost certainly scare her off. If your girlfriend is used to vanilla sex, or has expressed shyness in trying new things, you can’t push her into the deep end without a life jacket. The more confident she feels at each level, the more likely it is that you’ll get to whatever glorious new sex tip or couples' sex toy you'd like to try.
“Go slow and communicate with your partner about what you both are thinking, feeling, and doing. It is essential that you both have open dialogue as any new sexual activity is put on the table,” says Daniel Lebowitz, a sex therapist with The Intimacy Institute. “I oftentimes recommend that a couple talk about a fantasy of theirs, playing it out verbally before trying to make it happen in real life. That way, you can find any roadblocks or topics of discomfort before they actually happen. Concern for your partner and the relationship are indispensable to building trust and safety when exploring sexually.”
3) Tell her what you already like (emphatically).
There’s a chance that if you suggest new moves in the bedroom, your girlfriend might take it to mean that you aren’t satisfied with what you are already doing. Even if that is true, you don’t want to insult her or give her more reasons to be insecure. Complimenting the things about your sex life that you do enjoy will help to open the door for suggestions on how to improve or introduce new ideas, which you can also get from our course on how to have better sex.
“For men who want to be more adventurous, I'd encourage them to open a conversation with their partner about their sex lives. Tell their partner what they like about sex together, for example, starting with something like ‘I can't stop thinking about that thing you did with your tongue the other night!’, and then lead into a conversation about something they'd like to try,” says Debby Herbenick, professor at Indiana University School of Public Health. “Or they could simply say to their partner how much they like or love them (whichever is true), how much they enjoy sex together, and that they've been thinking about new things they'd like to try.”
4) Be specific.
It’s noble to speak up about what you want. But telling your girlfriend that you’d like to be more adventurous in the bedroom is a tad vague, especially for someone who is shy about trying new things. Telling her you like dirty talk is great, but if she’s never done it before she might not know where to begin. Give her specific keywords, for example, that you like to hear to help get her talking. Ask her questions to help guide her. Suggest watching porn together. Ask her if she wants to try introducing sex toys. And when she takes the lead, let her run with it. This should be a give and take.
“Leave open-ended ideas she can explore on her own. There are dozens of books on how to spice things up,” says Emily DeAyala, an AASECT (The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) certified sex therapist. “One of my personal favorites is 101 Nights of Great Sex. The pages are sealed 'for her' and 'for him' so that each partner can take turns surprising each other with something new. Sometimes you don't know what you don't know. Encourage her to get ideas from books like this. This will help her feel more in control.”
5) Enter her Fantasyland
Granted upping the level of adventure in the bedroom is probably about your own personal desires, but if you allow your girlfriend to share her desires, it ups the level of intimacy, trust, and comfort. It's quite literally tit for tat. Encourage your girlfriend to share what turns her on. Coming through for her on her wishes and desires will fill her with confidence and desire to return the favor.
“He might begin the conversation with fantasies. When she masturbates, what does she think about? What turns her on? If she likes porn, what type of porn interests her. Here, he needs to be secure enough in himself that he might learn that what she likes isn't what he can provide,” says Tom Murray, a certified sex therapist and family/marriage therapist. “Nevertheless, fantasies are just that, fantasies. Fantasies may never be realized, nor should they, necessarily. This just begins the conversation and lays the groundwork for exploration.”
6) Talk about your insecurities.
In other words, level the playing field. Being naked, showing your bits, having your bits touch someone else’s bits...it’s fraught with anxiety and insecurity. If your girlfriend is shy in the bedroom, it would greatly help her to know what you feel shy about as well. We all have our insecurities (yes, even you, you sexual stallion, you), and if she knew a few of yours, it might help her to see you as someone she can easily relate to in the sexual realm.
“Although men oftentimes act like they are fine with their body image, the long line of men walking in the door to my office speaking about their struggles with feeling feeling unattractive and unable to measure up in some way would indicate otherwise,” says Lebowitz. “When you share your insecurities, they no longer hold the same power over you and it models how your partner can speak about them to you and mutual support and reassurance can be part of the relationship.”
7) No always means no.
Just because you ask, doesn’t mean she has to say yes. And if she says no, you either have to be OK with that, or you might have to reconsider if this is the right relationship for you. No one should be made to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, especially in the bedroom. Your happiness is just as important as hers, and if neither of you is getting what you want, it might be time to move on. But typically where there is communication, openness, honesty, and trust, mind-blowing sex tends to follow. So don't be shy about asking. You both might be surprised at all the doors that open.

How What You Say on a Date Makes You More Attractive

Intelligence and a good sense of humor can go a long way

When you’re getting ready for a date, you want to look perfect. The inner monologue doesn't stop running through your appearance: Is this shirt wrinkled? Is there anything in my teeth? The list goes on and on. It turns out, your looks aren't necessarily what make you the most attractive to the woman sitting across from you.
Recently, the dating app Plenty of Fish released the findings of Conversation Nation, the largest survey on the topic. More than 2,000 single participants whose ages ranged from 18 to 70 (Up to 70? Did sexagenarians really need to be included here?), and nine out of 10 people believed that a successful date hinged on good conversation.
The top reason conversation makes someone better looking? It’s way easier to be attracted to someone when you aren’t sitting in awkward silence or arguing about politics. Plus it gives you a chance to showcase three attributes women look for when choosing an ideal mate: intelligence, a sexy voice, and a good sense of humor.
Understandably, you’re less likely to find someone attractive if a conversation was completely awful. If you and your date have nothing in common, if they come across rude, or if they don’t share your same values, it’s definitely a turnoff, according to 85 percent of participants.
When it comes to planning a date, you can’t go wrong with suggesting drinks at a local bar or restaurant. And if everything is going well, don’t ruin it by doing something like checking your phone constantly, talking about your ex, or even going outside to take smoke breaks. The survey shows that these actions—especially ignoring your date in favor of texting your buddies—are seen as disruptive and distracting.
If the date went well, call your date to let them know you enjoyed it. More than 80 percent of singles surveyed agree that a phone call constitutes a conversation, and it’s another opportunity to impress them with your communication skills.

How to find love online: advice from Soulmates couples

Is there a secret recipe to finding the right person, or is it really just down to luck?

With so many apps, profiles and photos to sift through, the task of online dating sometimes feels impossible. Is there a secret recipe to finding the right person, or is it really just down to luck? To find out, we turned to our very own success stories from Guardian Soulmates and asked long-term couples what advice they would give to singles hoping to find love online.
Don’t look for perfection
With online dating, it is easy to think the grass is always greener. One more date might just lead you to that flawless someone. But in striving for impossible perfection, we risk overlooking the potential in the people we meet.
Pete and Josie* met on Soulmates five years ago and were married in 2016. “There’s a tendency to just keep looking, and looking, and looking. Don’t look for perfection, it doesn’t happen,” says Pete. Not that you should settle for the first person you decide to meet up with, but simply be more forgiving of those you do. Much of the joy of a relationship is that you understand and embrace someone else’s shortcomings – just as they do yours. “It’s all about getting to like each other and accepting the faults as well,” adds Josie.
Don’t give up – go on that second date
We all know how nerve-racking first dates can be. More than likely, your date will be nervous as well, and it can take time to be relaxed around a new person. When Amy met Ryan seven years ago, their first date didn’t quite have the fireworks they were hoping for. But rather than give up, they gave it another chance. And it was worth it. They’ve been married now for three years, with a son who’s 20 months old. “I’d say go on that second date. We got on well the first date, but I didn’t feel the spark,” says Amy, “I was on the fence, but I’m glad I went because I did feel it after that.” Give people the benefit of the doubt. If the conversation flowed the first time, be brave and go for that second date.
Be honest in your profile
Something that all the couples we spoke to mentioned was the importance of being honest. It creates a base level of trust that is essential if you are looking for a long-term relationship. “Be honest in your profile as the truth will out in the end,” says Ivan, who just celebrated his first wedding anniversary with Emily, whom he met through Soulmates in 2014. And he’s right. With still so much uncertainty about identity online, it sets a bad precedent to lie on your profile and is likely to put someone off. Be honest in your profile; this will up your chances of finding people who like you for who you are.
Try to have fun with it, let your true colours shine
At the end of the day, the key thing is to enjoy the journey. “My advice would be to try and have fun with it. Try and be authentic, be true to yourself, and don’t be afraid to put down who you are and what you’re looking for,” is Naomi’s suggestion. She and her Soulmates partner Sam were married last year. “She’s right,” says Sam, “keep looking for the little things that stand out about people. It might be a user name, details from their profile or their smile.” If you let your true colours shine from the beginning, your date will be on the same page when you meet.