15 Ways to Get a Closed-Off Person to Open Up

You’ve heard it said many times that communication is crucial for good relationships. Few people would disagree that open, honest communication is important—but that doesn’t mean everyone is willing or able to talk effectively.

So what happens when your friend or love isn’t open and you’re having trouble coaxing the words out? Try these strategies:
1. If this person is a clam, don’t be a crowbar. In other words, prying someone open usually doesn’t work. It will get you nowhere to demand, plead, or threaten. A gentler approach will get you much further.
2. Realize that for many people, being open is scary. Closed-off people are convinced that being vulnerable invites judgment or rejection.
3. Create a safe environment. Getting someone to open up has everything to do with that person feeling safe and secure.
4. Understand that some closed-off people have hidden wounds. A difficult upbringing or past romantic disasters may have contributed to the fear of being open.
5. Recognize that everyone is wired differently. Each person falls somewhere on the continuum of extrovert and introvert, guarded and transparent. This doesn’t mean that someone naturally closed off can’t learn to open up—but it helps for you to understand that person’s basic temperament.
6. Be an ally, not an adversary. It can be frustrating when someone you love refuses to open up to you. Don’t let frustration become another barrier.
7. Express what openness means to you. Say something like, “Our relationship is so important to me. I want to us to have the closest relationship possible.”
8. Take time for togetherness. Many people need time—lots of it—to feel the freedom to open up.
9. Know that nagging will get you nowhere. When we see someone we love struggling to open up, we want to help—and that desire to help can sometimes cause us to nag and nudge. Doing so will only leave you both frustrated.
10. Set the tone. Make sure the context and conditions are right for open communication.
11. Emphasize empathy. Convey to this person that you “get” what he’s saying and you identify with his feelings.
12. Be a “role model.” Verbalize your own thoughts and feelings, and then allow plenty of space for them to do the same.
13. Accentuate affirmation. Any time he or she makes the effort to be transparent with you, make sure you convey how much you appreciate it.
14. Meet halfway. It’s not realistic or fair to expect anyone to immediately move from closed to totally open. Be satisfied with small steps forward.
15. Employ all of your listening skills. No one is going to be open with you unless he knows he has your full and undivided attention.

7 Ridiculously Simple Things You Can Do to Make Your Partner Happy

These actions may seem small, but she appreciates them the most

Whether you just started dating or she doesn’t flinch when you fart anymore, chances are the moments that make you appreciate your relationship aren’t grand romantic gestures.
It’s the little moments in a relationship that mean the most, says Jennifer Freed, Ph.D., a relationship and family therapist.
For ideas, we turned to seven women who are happy in their long-term relationships. Here’s the number one thing their partners do to make them swoon. 
LEAVE HER NOTES
“My husband and I have been married for more than five years and dated for six years before that. You would think that our relationship would get boring by now, but he reminds me he loves me by writing love notes and putting them in my lunch bag each day. I usually make my lunch before going to bed and somehow he always sneaks it in.” —Denise W., 38
MAKE HER LAUGH
“I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and I still get a good laugh from the videos he sends me of himself via Snapchat. And it’s not even like he’s trying to make me laugh. I just love him so much that I crack up out of adoration.” —Kelly W., 26
MAKE OUT WITH HER
“We have been married for 10 years and every night our bedtime ritual is to make out like we’re teenagers. We’ve done this on nights when we were incredibly tired and when we were mad at each other. It’s the best. It’s a good reminder of how amazing our relationship is.” —Wendy D., 36
LISTEN TO HER
“When something is bothering me, my boyfriend never fails to give me his full attention. He puts his cellphone down and actively listens to me speak. That shows me how much he cares about me.” —Jackie G., 31
GIVE HER PERSONAL SPACE
“My boyfriend and I just started living together after a year of dating. It’s hard to go from living alone to living with another person, especially since our new apartment is tiny. When I just need some space, I never have to ask for it. He always senses it and goes out for a walk. I know that living together will just keep getting easier.” —Connie S., 27
LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
“My boyfriend lives with three guys and reminds them to keep the toilet seat down when I’m over. It makes me laugh because I never asked him to do that, but he just goes above and beyond to make me feel comfortable.” —Erin A., 25
CALL HER MOM
“My husband calls my mom every week. He has such a good relationship with her and always calls to check up because she’s older and lives alone. It reminds me how much of a caring person he is.” —Hilary W., 37

The 5 Best First Date Tips

One type of restaurant could increase your chances of seeing her again by 170 percent

If there’s a scientific formula for a successful first date, this is it: Researchers surveyed more than 2,000 people about what happened on their first dates—and whether those dates led to something more—for Match.com’s annual Singles in America report.
It turns out that certain locations, conversation topics, and even types of cuisine can significantly impact how well your date goes. Work one, two, or all five of these factors into your next first date.
FIND HER ON THE INTERNET
Couples who meet online are 78 percent more likely to make it to date two than people who come together through mutual friends, the study finds.
That’s because most people who use online dating tend to be serious about finding a partner, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., chief scientific advisor for Match and author of Anatomy of Love. It takes effort to use most dating sites, so users are invested in making it pay off.
STICK TO DINNER
Taking her to a restaurant may seem unimaginative, but it doubles your odds of seeing her again compared to a more creative outing like a hike or a museum.
Dinner is ideal for a first date because it helps you get to know each other, says Fisher. You’re focused on the conversation, rather than an activity.
“By sitting opposite them, making eye contact, listening to their voice, seeing how they smile, seeing how they listen to you, you can really find out who the person is,” says Fisher.
BETTER YET, MAKE IT A SUSHI PLACE
People who go to sushi restaurants are 170 percent more likely to get second dates than people who have American cuisine, the study finds.
The researchers were stunned at how strong the connection was, so they did some digging for possible explanations in the food itself.
“Fatty fish like tuna and salmon contain omega-3s, which ups circulation and alertness,” Fisher says. “Seaweed has iodine, which can trigger testosterone and sex drive. And wasabi increases your heart rate and can make you flush.”
These physiological changes could make both of you feel more excited during the date.
Another possible reason: People tend to share sushi, rather than just eating off their own plates. That promotes bonding, she says.
TALK ABOUT TRUMP
You’d think that debating politics with someone you barely know would make for a disaster, but it actually boosts your chances for a second date by 91 percent.
It doesn’t even matter what your opinion is—as long as you have one and can express it respectfully, says Fisher.
Being able to discuss a contentious issue with a level head proves that you’re kind, tolerant, flexible, and empathetic—all qualities that are pure gold to a potential partner, she says. You can also try these Best Questions to Ask On a First Date.
DON’T LINGER TOO LONG
Your odds for a second date start to dwindle if the outing lasts for more than 2 hours and 15 minutes, according to the Match data. It could be that talking to anyone for that long gets tedious, says Fisher.
So part ways before she’s exhausted. Plan a date that includes dinner and one nightcap. But then politely ask her if you can call her a cab or walk her home.