So You’ve Been Cheated On. Here’s How to Repair Your Relationship

Taking these important steps can increase the odds of success 

The moment you find out your partner has been cheating on you, just about everything changes. Trust has been broken, and it may be difficult to imagine a future knowing that your closest companion has been intimate with someone else. So where do you go from here?
Heading to divorce court is certainly one route, but you shouldn't assume it's the only option or the best one for you: Statistics vary, but research shows that a sizable percentage of marriages manage to survive infidelity."Couples can heal from affairs," says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a relationship expert and the founder of the Marriage Restoration Project, a global initiative to keep couples together and happy. He discourages couples from immediately separating or filing for divorce—provided you're both on board. “Either you want the marriage to work or you don’t.”
Here's what you should know if you find yourself in that exact situation.
STEP 1: MAKE SURE THE AFFAIR ENDS IMMEDIATELY
One of the very first things to do is to determine whether your partner is willing to immediately dissolve the outside relationship. “Stopping the affair is non-negotiable,” said Jill Murray, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist based in California. “The person with whom the partner was having the affair with can no longer be in their lives, even in a peripheral way."If that means changing jobs, switching gyms, or even relocating a new city, it has to happen. It's the only way to ensure that your partner is 100 percent committed to moving on, says Murray. After that commitment is made, it’s time to figure out what went wrong and why.
STEP 2: TALK IT OUT
Ideally, decide on a time when you can sit down together and have what's bound to be a difficult conversation. It's often best not to have this conversation the same day you learned about the affair, but rather to postpone it at least a few days, if not longer.
“Set aside time in the future so you will both be mentally ready to share and hear these uncomfortable details,” says Slatkin. “The betrayed should come ready to ask about whatever information they need to have so that all doubts can be removed, and they can start getting over the affair.” Craig Foust, a marriage counselor based in St. Louis, Missouri, says it's also important to get to the root of why the infidelity happened.
“The person cheated on may continually ask questions that seem repetitive, however, the core of the issue to be explored is when/how did the distance in the relationship [between you and your spouse] develop,” says Foust. “When did we start to have problems? What were the signs? Were both of us aware of the distance growing between us? Answering these questions will be critical.”
STEP 3: ENLIST PROFESSIONAL HELP
Infidelity is a pretty serious issue for a couple to contend with on their own. If keeping your marriage intact is a priority, Foust recommends seeking out a marriage counselor who can guide you through the process.
"It's no different than seeing a physical therapist for a leg injury: You may be able to walk on it, but you can cause lasting damage if it is not allowed to heal properly," says Foust. "The same goes with healing after an affair. The average couple may be able to stabilize their marriage, but often there are deep-rooted marital issues that only become noticeable over time or to an outsider looking in."
STEP 4: CARVE OUT QUALITY TIME
After you've had the tough talks and both agreed that you're going to stick this out, it's time to work on rekindling your connection. It won't be easy to do, especially in the beginning, but it's crucial to bouncing back as quickly as possible. “Spending quality time together shows investment in the relationship, from both sides, and helps to re-establish some type of normalcy,” says Foust.While it might be a challenge to find mutually agreeable activities when things are feeling so rocky, Suzanne Coburn, a licensed professional counselor, says you need to at least try to have fun.
“A date night is one idea, but even better is an activity that builds relationships: Go for a hike, go bowling, walk in beautiful gardens, attend a sports event together. What did you enjoy doing together when you were first dating? Do that,” she says.
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO WALK AWAY.
Many people have been successful at mending a relationship after an affair, and hopefully you'll be among them. But sometimes the wounds are just too deep for that to be possible. In other instances, both parties aren't truly committed to making it work, and that's another deal-breaker.
If you're having trouble getting past infidelity, Murray suggests taking a step back to assess whether your spouse is actually empathizing with your feelings or is intent that you should "get over it."
“If the person is backsliding into old, secretive, or lying behavior, or there’s just too much anger and hurt to recover from, it may be time to call it quits,” she says.

 

What Women Say Makes the Perfect Date

Learn the rules and the secret codes to planning the perfect date from an expert: A woman
Observe the 4 p.m. Deadline

As the big date approaches, women worry that they'll be stood up. This is why there's a 4 p.m. deadline. If you call at 4:20 to confirm the 8 p.m. date, I'll have already made other plans, just to protect myself from the letdown. Call between noon and 4, or risk being set adrift like a hard-luck astronaut.
Choose the Location Well
If we live in a city, the first date should be closer to my place than yours—so you can walk me home. You should reach the meeting place on time or a little early. If you're driving to my place, pick me up 5 minutes late. There may be a stray hair that needs taming. And observe proper car etiquette. Always open the door for me, whether or not your car has power locks. Pressing a button does not a gentleman make.
Money Matters
Spending too much on a date makes me think you're trying to buy my affection. Or worse. I'd rather see evidence of your personal interest than your interest-bearing accounts. Special note: If you're spending more than $200 on a woman who isn't sleeping with you, you're a sucker. And she sucks.
Pay Attention
Girls spend a lot of time getting glam. They also spend a lot of time wondering if guys notice. Respond to my efforts.
But Chill with the Compliments
Give me a couple of sincere snaps—but make sure they're thoughtful. If you say you like my smile or my eyes, I've heard it before. Say, "Look at that dimple," or, "Wow, you have great eyelashes." Now you have my attention. Compliment my intelligence, sassiness, or unfaltering talent for ordering the best guac. Now you might get some ass.
Introduce Me
If you stop and talk to absolutely anyone, introduce me within 30 seconds without using the words "my friend." Personal details are required. By date six, I should have met all your important friends.
Don't Go All Donald on Me
Unless a woman is a hopeless climber, you won't impress her with what you own (that is, if you own anything). Instead, let me discover what's valuable about you, not what you've bought.
Notice What I Drink
Ask me if I'd like a refill when I leave an empty glass behind and head for the ladies' room. This makes you attentive and thoughtful. This makes me happy and socially lubricated.
Walk Me to My Door
It's a scary world, and I want you to protect me. If you're welcome inside my apartment, I will invite you. Do not ask to use my bathroom.
Kiss Me
If the date has gone well, lips must come into play. Even if it's just a peck. It gives me more peace of mind than you can imagine. Don't be discouraged if I hesitate to kiss you in return. I might be shy or nervous because I really like you. Or maybe you have bad breath. It doesn't mean I don't, or won't, want you.
Recognize the Kiss-Off
Game over if I don't kiss you on a second date. Take the hint.

 

5 Online Dating Tips on Writing the First Message

Breaking the ice—in any situation—is no easy feat. Whether you’re approaching someone at a bar, a party, or online, putting yourself out there can be an awkward and scary experience, even for people who are naturally outgoing.

Lucky for us, breaking the ice online is a lot easier and a lot less frightening than approaching someone in real life. You don’t have to deal with a crowd of people watching you, you can take a really long time thinking of what to say, and you have the assurance of knowing that the people you’re approaching are also single and open to meeting someone—after all, they’re on a dating site.
Next time you log in and start meeting people, consider these five online dating tips for writing a first message:
Don’t be nervous.
Even if your stomach is tied up into knots and you’re so nervous you can barely type, try to stay calm. Go splash some cold water on your face, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, “What do I have to lose?” Really, it’s not like the person on the other end of the message is going to publicly reject you, and you’ll never have to see this person in real life if nothing comes out of your attempt. The worst that can happen is an “I’m not interested” message, which you can quickly delete. And, if you get no response at all, you can do what we all do and just pretend it never happened. The ability to compartmentalize is a beautiful thing.
Do your homework.
Actually take the time to read someone’s profile before sending that first message. I know a lot of us are quick on the draw when it comes to messaging people who catch our eye, but it helps to actually know something about that person before you message them. And, from the feedback I’ve gotten from real online daters, we know that’s exactly what most online daters want you to do. One online dater Elizabetta wrote, “Before flirting or mailing, please, read my profile. Do not just look at the photo! Think: Do we have anything in common, why would she be interested in me? There is a reason she has written all that.”  Another dater, Damian, said, “The best flirt I ever received was from a lady who wrote something that showed she had at least read my profile. In fact, I thank her to this day for her honesty and friendly reply.” Tailor-made messages, like tailor-made clothes, really do fit better. You’ll see.
Cool your jets.
“Cool it down,” isn’t just a lyric in one of our favorite Velvet Underground songs. It’s also basic advice when it comes to dating.  Online dater, Nathaniel elaborated for us, “Girls get tired of cheesy compliments like, ‘you are so beautiful, you have such beautiful eyes, I think I’m in love, I’ve died and gone to heaven, if I’m sleeping don’t wake me, I must be dreaming, let’s do it, your so hot, etc.’ Don’t use pick up lines ever. They don’t work.” The same goes for guys; everyone will just think you’re creepy if you over-do it with compliments, especially when you barely know them. According to data from the online dating site Zoosk, messages with generic compliments that included words like sexy, cute, beautiful, or gorgeous actually made responses go down. Also, while it’s one thing to be tongue-in-cheek, it’s another thing to be vulgar. The best way to approach a first message is to keep it in ‘friend’ territory. Keep your message light and simple. You have plenty of time to develop things further, so be patient for now.
Avoid TMI
TMI, or ‘too much information’, about yourself is a no-no on a first date, and it’s also a no-no with a first message too. Generally, when people talk too much about themselves it reveals a real problem with listening, which is a turn off. If things work out between you and your prospective match, they’ll find out everything about you in due course. There is no need to tell someone everything about your life right away. Also, keep an eye on the scale of your letter. Don’t write a novel, but don’t send a haiku either. While you should make sure you include enough text to spark someone’s interest, don’t include so much that they fall asleep while scrolling through it. And you should make sure at least some of your sentences end with a question mark. Asking questions in your message, as opposed to talking nonstop about yourself, is also a great way to get a reply.
Spellcheck. Prease. Please.
Never underestimate the power of a typo-proof message. Typos and grammatical mistakes are ugly blips that detract from the sincerity and sweetness of what you’re saying. Can you imagine what Sonnet 18 would be like if instead of “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day,” Shakespeare wrote instead, “Shlal I compaer the 2 a sumur’s dai?” If you feel uncomfortable with the grammatical integrity of a message, why not run a simple grammar and spelling check on it? It’s not that hard, we promise.
Just to give you an idea of what a good first message might look like, below is a sample first message to use as an example.
Hi _____. My name is _____, and I really liked what you said in your profile!
We share a lot of interests, like synchronized swimming and live action role playing games. It also appears that we have really similar music taste. Norwegian death metal is the best! What’s your favorite band? Also, I noticed in your picture that you have a pet turtle. I have a pet turtle too, named Rick! He’s thirty-five years old. Do you have any other pets? I’m a vegetarian and I love animals, and I’m happy to read that you’re a vegetarian too.
Anyway, I hope to hear back from you because you sound really interesting. Have a nice day!
Best,
____.
See how easy that was? Even if you don’t think you’d respond to a message like that, I’m sure the pet-turtle having, Norwegian death metal loving, synchronized swimming LARPer getting that message definitely would.
Next time you’re ready to start messaging someone, remember these tips. Over time, you’ll realize that breaking the ice online isn’t so bad after all. In fact,you might even surprise yourself and start having fun.