Four Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster

Let’s be honest: For many people, the idea of dating produces an inability to breathe, sweaty palms, and a stomach full of butterflies. Not the pleasant kind you experienced with your first kiss; this is more like when you were a kid and you rode that towering, terrifying roller-coaster for the first time.

That’s an appropriate metaphor, since many singles describe the ups and downs, twists and turns of new romance. “Dating is an emotional roller-coaster,” you might hear someone say. “One second it’s thrilling and exhilarating; the next second your stomach is turning and panic sets in. One second you want to scream for the ride to stop; the next second you hope it’ll go on forever.”
Sound familiar? Dating, like thrill rides, requires you to hold on tight, pray hard, and hope for the best. Add in the common fear of romantic intimacy, and of dealing with past relationship “issues”—yours and your date’s—and it’s easy to conclude you’re better off skipping the ride altogether. Playing it safe has this much going for it: you’ll avoid danger and reduce risks. You’ll also be bored, second-guess your decision, and kick yourself for chickening out–which may be why you are reading this now.
But if you hoped this column would contain a magic formula for making your fears disappear—sorry. The truth is, you will probably always get the dating jitters. Why? Because it is indeed nerve-wracking. Unless you are a gifted extrovert or a charismatic charmer, putting yourself on the romantic market is always going to be outside your comfort zone. What you need is a way to avoid letting your fear stand between you and lasting love when it comes around. You need a few “Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster” to help conquer your fears:
1. Get in line. You want the thrill of finding someone new, but you’ve scared yourself silly remembering past experiences, or watching others ride (and scream) from a distance. So you’re still outside the fence looking in. Put one foot in front of the other and take a step toward your goal. Sign up for dance lessons, join the singles group at church, or throw a dinner party and invite some new faces. You’re not riding/dating yet—just positioning yourself to do so.
2. Wait your turn. The dictionary defines fear as “an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.” The fact is, danger is rarely actually “present.” And fear is often at its worst when nothing much is happening—because you have a lot of time to anticipate all the hypothetically dangerous “what ifs.” Now that you’re in line, be patient—be brave.
3. Fasten your seat belt. Courage is not the same thing as recklessness. When your turn to ride arrives, hold nothing back—but protect yourself with common-sense measures to keep your worst fears from materializing. Being “up for an adventure” doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind. You’ll enjoy the ride more knowing that, despite the risks, there are safety protocols in place.
4. Do it! Keep your eyes open. Throw up your hands—and ride for all you’re worth. Riding a roller coaster is a hog-wild, topsy-turvy, gravity-defying, spine-tingling thing to do. If it didn’t make your adrenaline soar and your stomach do cartwheels, it wouldn’t be any fun.

 

5 Surprising Ways Dating Makes You Better at Life

Whether you like dating or not, it’s unavoidable if you want to find someone to be with. But, what if you didn’t look at dating as simply a way to find someone else? What if dating was also a way to find yourself? Let’s take a closer look at dating’s personal side—the side with important life lessons, and moments of self-discovery and personal growth.

Here are five personal benefits of dating, and how dating can help you grow in other areas of your life:
1. Dating Makes You a Better Conversationalist
Like interviewing, dating requires the ability to talk about yourself, ask and answer questions, listen intently, and hold a meaningful conversation with another person. The more you date or the longer you date one person, the better you’ll get at talking about yourself, and sharing your feelings, expectations, hopes for the future, opinions, and beliefs—and all while becoming a better and more thoughtful listener.
2. Dating Teaches You How to Get What You Want
Whether you go on a date with an attractive history buff or an arrogant techie, every date gives you insight into what you like and don’t like in another person. And often, you only come to learn what you want by figuring out what you don’t want. The more you date, the easier and clearer this becomes. This greater level of self-awareness also leads to greater self-confidence. Knowing what you want and being confident in who you are will not only help you with your dating life, but will help you in all areas of your life.
3. Dating Allows You to Experience New Things
Your dates will almost certainly have different interests and hobbies than you do—and that’s a good thing! This allows you to expand your horizons and be more adventurous. Take a salsa class with her; go on a ropes course with him—there’s always something new and fun to do when you’re dating. It’s also easier to try new things when you have someone by your side because you’re more likely to take chances when you’re with someone you like and trust.
4. Dating Teaches You How to Let Go
Letting go is a hard thing to do. If you learn to master it, it’s a powerful skill that will come in handy in all aspects of your life. You can’t attract something new when your energy is spent thinking about that past. All that “stuff” you’re holding on to can pull you down. Letting go of the past not only helps you live your best life now, but also paves the way for future success.
5. Dating Makes You Stronger and More Resilient
Besides heartbreak, rejection is probably the toughest part about dating. But, the more rejection you face, the more you’ll come to understand that it’s a natural part of life and dating. And, the more you grow to accept rejection, the easier it’ll be to face failure in all other parts of your life. It will make you stronger and better prepared for what life will throw at you in the future.
At the end of the day, your past relationships make you a better version of yourself. The next relationship will do the same. So, don’t be afraid of dating; embrace it.
There is no better time to embrace dating than right now—the weather is warm, there is an abundance of activities to participate in, and people are generally in a good mood. It’s the perfect time to put yourself out there and meet new people.

 

6 Common Dating Behaviors that Annoy Both Men and Women

You probably know which behaviors turn you off the most in another person. What is interesting and important to think about is which behaviors of yours could annoy another person. Everyone gets triggered by different behaviors, and it can take a while to figure out which ones irk that new person.

 
In my clinical work, I hear men and women talking every week about the things so-and-so did on a date that really turned them off or even angered them. Here, I’ll share a list of the most common dating behaviors that bother men and women.
Not letting your date choose what to do or where to go
When you meet someone and have the first few dates, it’s polite and considerate to let that person help you plan the outing. Ask if they have specific activities or restaurants in mind for that particular date as opposed to setting it up without their input. It never hurts to ask directly how your date likes to approach planning. There is nothing wrong with saying this: “Do you prefer the other person to plan the date, or do you prefer to do the planning? Or do you like to make those decisions together?” No matter the specifics, either ask about their approach to planning dates or simply suggest that you plan the date together.
Talking about previous dates or exes
Keep previous romantic experiences off the table for the first few dates, at least. This behavior bothers men and women alike because it makes them wonder why you are preoccupied with thinking about someone else when you’re out with them. Focus on your date and invest your mental energy in trying to get a sense of whether this is a personality type that you easily mesh with. In a word, it’s all about the mesh.
Getting too touchy or sexual too soon
Having spoken to hundreds of couples over the years in my clinical work, I can tell you that the following behavior is one of the biggest turn-ons in dating: a simple kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. If you hit it off and want to be with each other, you can get plenty touchy in time. (Crucial rule to remember: If you are meant to be together, you will end up together.) But forcing an intimate kiss or even trying for a kiss on the lips too soon bothers many men and women because it feels pushy and presumptuous. Many people need a moment to reflect after a date about whether they actually have or could have romantic feelings for that person, so forcing physical intimacy should always be avoided. Again, if you two have what it takes to last, you could be slow dancing in the living room to Endless Love on repeat for years to come. There simply is no rush.
Being late for a date
Avoid this behavior at all costs. If you show up late to a date – and it doesn’t matter how understandable your excuse is – your behavior sends the following message to the person you’re meeting: They aren’t important enough to be on time for. Show your date respect by always allowing extra time to arrive at where you’re going. Conversely, expect a new date to not want to see you again if you do happen to show up late for any reason.
Asking questions that are too personal
The first few dates are a great time to get to know a new person, but having a date with someone doesn’t give you the right to ask questions that are extremely personal. Asking questions about income, past relationships, or deeply emotional topics can be too intrusive and intense when just meeting someone. If you choose to get pushy and ask these questions anyway, your date may be like many others who would feel uncomfortable. While it may sound insignificant, the behavior could bother your date enough that they might not want to see you again.
Trying too hard to impress by name-dropping or boasting
Going out of your way to prove what a great catch you are almost always backfires. It’s important and helpful in dating to have good self-esteem, but it’s another thing to try to prove it. Boasting about accomplishments or how amazing your lifestyle is often turns men and women off because they feel like a salesman is “working” them. What’s more, most men and women have the insight to know that trying so hard to prove how great you have actually indicates that you have low self-esteem.
Two rules you should never forget as you date (and, yes, they are cliches)
In two words, be yourself; in three words, don’t try too hard. Trying too hard takes a lot of energy, and it doesn’t make sense to invest so much energy in someone when you don’t even know if you’ll still like that person a month later. Remember what you like about you, and trust that anyone who gets to know you will inevitably come to see those same characteristics in you.